Tired

It has gone to the back of beyond this time. Ever since Mantosh left for Russia, I have been having sleepless nights. I lie awake till it strikes dawn, and then I manage to go to sleep, more out of exhaustion than anything else.

I cry, hoping it will make me feel sleepy. I cry for him, for me, for us. I cry for the distance, the want, the hope. Yet, it does not make me feel restful.

There is this part of me which feels so extremely uncertain. The only thing that I feel certain about, that I feel absolutely sure about, is our love. Everything else we want and we need seem so close to our grasp, yet so far.

I know I sound as if i am rambling. But that is the state of my mind. Turbulent, yet calm. Its as if it is the surface of the sea, where it's the deepest. Barely a ripple on the surface, but cyclones in the sand beneath the surface. Ripping things apart- perhaps creating something new, something more beautiful than ever before. I have to wait for the sand to settle before I can make out what ravages it has caused, what newness it has left behind, what it has cleansed, what it has warped.

I have responsibilities, just like the rest of us. Do all of us feel as if we are about to be buried under a mountain? Not a mountain of burdens, but more a mountain of expectations, in my case.

People think I am talented. I am led to believe, thanks to them, that I am. Yet, mediocrity seems to haunt me every step of the way.

Somewhere, I hope, the turbulence beneath the surface will rid me of the shackles, of the pent-up emotional debris that has been burying me for a long time now.

Somewhere, I know, our love will bring me out of this, clean and pure.

Somewhere, I know I have to wait.

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone...

Mantosh left today... for the year. It was all too much of a whirlwind. Here is a brief sequence of events- excluding most of the emotions, and events - since he came back to India this year, after 7 months:

His term ended in May, 2009, and by May end he was home desperately fighting off attempts by his parents to get him engaged off to a girl, if not married... he had to spend about a month at home just to calm things down. At the fag end of June, he came down to Calcutta to spend two days with me, so that a friend of ours,who was doing an article on us, could get some pictures of us... and Mantosh left with the promise that he would be back in July to spend our second anniversary together... but it wasn't meant to be that way.

His mother had to go to Delhi, and he had to accompany her- at her express request. She required him to be with her- for they were going to stay at his sister's place in Noida. This took about 3 weeks, give or take another. He promised to come down to Calcutta as soon as he could, on some pretext or the other. Once he was back in Bokaro, he barely stayed there for three days, when he told his parents that he needed a new laptop, and that he would buy it from Calcutta. Once he broke the news to me that he would be with me in a span of 48 hours, my excitement knew no bounds.

He came down last Thursday evening with the intent of staying with me for at least ten days, for after this, we shall be meeting next year, until and unless I land up in Europe.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday... Sunday was the day his father called him, and asked him to get back home as soon as possible as he had to go out of station, and he did not want to leave Mantosh's mum alone at home. His laptop was yet to be purchased, so that bought him time till today, Tuesday.

Today, we went and got his ticket home. Then we went across to the laptop store, and bought his laptop. After that, we went across to the Volvo bus stand near Babughat. The bus was about to leave in another ten minutes. After a few furtive goodbyes, I left. Abruptly. I did not want him to see how much agony I was in. Yet, I knew he had seen it in my eyes. He was in pain as well, but he is better at hiding his emotions. I did not want to break down in front of him.

For I need to be strong.

For its going to be a few more days, months, till we are in each other's arms again.