Tired

It has gone to the back of beyond this time. Ever since Mantosh left for Russia, I have been having sleepless nights. I lie awake till it strikes dawn, and then I manage to go to sleep, more out of exhaustion than anything else.

I cry, hoping it will make me feel sleepy. I cry for him, for me, for us. I cry for the distance, the want, the hope. Yet, it does not make me feel restful.

There is this part of me which feels so extremely uncertain. The only thing that I feel certain about, that I feel absolutely sure about, is our love. Everything else we want and we need seem so close to our grasp, yet so far.

I know I sound as if i am rambling. But that is the state of my mind. Turbulent, yet calm. Its as if it is the surface of the sea, where it's the deepest. Barely a ripple on the surface, but cyclones in the sand beneath the surface. Ripping things apart- perhaps creating something new, something more beautiful than ever before. I have to wait for the sand to settle before I can make out what ravages it has caused, what newness it has left behind, what it has cleansed, what it has warped.

I have responsibilities, just like the rest of us. Do all of us feel as if we are about to be buried under a mountain? Not a mountain of burdens, but more a mountain of expectations, in my case.

People think I am talented. I am led to believe, thanks to them, that I am. Yet, mediocrity seems to haunt me every step of the way.

Somewhere, I hope, the turbulence beneath the surface will rid me of the shackles, of the pent-up emotional debris that has been burying me for a long time now.

Somewhere, I know, our love will bring me out of this, clean and pure.

Somewhere, I know I have to wait.