A few snippets

My birthday (Nov., 2013)

On the 2nd of November, in the evening, we had a gathering at a friend's place, where I got pretty sozzled - it was my birthday the next day, and my friends made sure I had a pretty memorable time.
The next day, I did not feel like getting out of bed - partly because I was tired from the previous night's shenanigans, and partly because Mummy wasn't there. She had always taken every step she could to make us feel really special on our birthdays - and without her, somehow the meaning seemed to have disappeared.

Daddy had always been awkward when it came to sentiments and emotions. I still recall a birthday where he did not wish me for the longest just because he did not have a gift to give me - according to him, mere wishing was nothing.

Yet, this was the one day he knew he had to make up for all those years of awkwardness. He noticed I was stirring, and he was still not able to speak, he wrote a little note for me. It was probably the nicest gift he had ever given me. He wished me a very happy birthday and showered me with blessings. I could not have asked for anything else.

Trippin' with Caio (2014-2015)

Caio and I went all over the place in the last year and the beginning of this year - we started with Hyderabad and Jaipur, then Kuala Lumpur, Malacca, Krabi and back to Bangkok, then Annecy, then Rome, Vienna, Prague and Istanbul. We even stayed for a month in Delhi!

Thanks for making my life so beautiful, Caio. I cannot tell you how much you mean to me.

A contrast

Over the new year's, Caio's mother and the two of us were in Budapest, along with my dear friend Steven and his partner, Shrey. We were on a tram, when a couple of tram controllers got a bit nasty, and landed up becoming abusive - to a point of being racist and homophobic. I seldom get as angry as I did that day - it was painful, to say the least, but at the same time, it put me in touch with the reality in Budapest, beyond my amazing bubble that I live in - despite the laws and the constitution and the ECHR.

In a few days, Caio, his mother and I traveled to Istanbul, and one day, at the Grand Bazaar, right after we had finished shopping at a particular store, and we were about to leave, the shopkeeper called me back and said, "My friend, the two of you make a very nice couple - I understood - you look very good together". This made my day - in a country with a great deal of repression from the government's end, this was the most beautiful thing that happened to me.

When I told Caio about this, he gave a gleeful smile, and then said, "and this made you really happy, no?" And suddenly, it struck me - it did. I come from a country where it is all right to be gay, but not practice anything gay. If I have to get partnered officially with my partner, I have to run from country to country looking for how much paperwork they require. I told Caio as much, and when telling him, I started crying - for it is only us who live in a world where we are handcuffed, who know how it is.

Mamma Mia

I have had three (including my present) wonderful partners till date. The first two relationships have made me into the person that I am today. While I was with them, I always took into account the fact that they are in the closet with their family, and that I would probably never be introduced to their family. I felt it incredibly important for them to know what it is like to be accepted in a family. THus, all of them have met my parents and my extended family, not as friends, but as my partners. Till date, I still consider my former partners to be a part of my family and hold them in great affection.

Caio's mother is the first parent of a partner who I met. We not only met, we stayed with each other, traveled with each other, gossiped about her son, shared complaints and compliments - and all through Portuguese!

That is when I realised how wonderful it is to have acceptance and love from your partner's parent. It is not about validation, it is not about social bonding - it is about family. I love having a family which is supportive - and finally, I think, I have landed up in a relationship where I can proudly say I have family on both sides.

Leaving somethings behind

It has been a while since I last wrote anything here. Ever since my mother passed away, so much happened that it became impossible to take a few minutes off for myself.

Most people around me already know of what had been going on, but here goes.

The period 2013-2014 was pretty weird, but not without its triumphs. There were a phenomenal number of deaths right after my mother’s demise in October, 2013. Overall, we lost about a dozen near and dear ones. After a point, if we got the news that someone had passed away, it was like, so, who’s next?

Dad also came down with a second bout of cancer. Most of you already know about how he had cancer of the larynx, for which he lost his voice, and currently has to use an artificial voice box internally installed. However,  despite the initial operation and radiation therapy, he could not start speaking. At first we all thought it was his obstinacy – he wanted a specific device to talk through – and after a point, I gave in, took him to Mumbai and it turned out that there was an obstruction, which stopped him from actually being able to speak.

It turned out to be another bout of cancer – but luckily, it had been diagnosed in the very first stage. For the first time since he was diagnosed initially, he was with a doctor (or a full bunch of them) who he actually trusted, and who did not want him to undergo any procedure in any hospital they were associated with. Within a few weeks we were in Delhi at the BLK hospital for the cyber-knife procedure. It was a five-day procedure, and in another week, Dad was able to talk. We were all overjoyed and incredibly relieved.

In all this, two people played an epic role in supporting me – my sister and my partner.  Dyuti and Caio were absolutely fantastic throughout everything. Beyond them, my cousins and friends were literally formed in a  circle around us – to protect us from everything. Putu, Neha, Boo, Pitush, Kutia, Sonel, Bunty, Hapu, Mummum, Vahista, Rahul, Shaheb, Animitra, Arnie, Abhik, Koeli, Sidharth, Meeta , my entire college gang and many, many others who I might be accidentally leaving out were fantastic. In case any of you ever read this – thanks for being our, and especially mine, rock. Words fail me, but I appreciate each and everyone of you and your presence in my life.

Thank you.

To you, my Mater

After my last post, we wound up our activities in Lisbon, and I moved back to Budapest and Caio to Geneva.
It was quite lovely to be back in Budapest - to be back home with Carse, and to move into a new apartment. Also, as it turned out, my comprehensive was postponed to the 30th of September, given the circumstances of my father's ill-health.
In a month's time, I got prepared for my comprehensive, and frankly speaking, had it not been for the immense support of my SJD mates, especially Thiago, Zsuzsi and Max, I don't think I would have made it.
And then the exam happened - and I got through - just barely - but I did it.
It was a moment of intense relief rather than triumph. The huge burden of finding funding for the next two years had been lifted off my shoulders. It was time to celebrate.
The next day, I skyped with mom and gave her the good news. I also told her that I would be off for a week to Geneva to spend some time with Caio.
Thus, off I went to Geneva on the following Thursday. Caio had found a WONDERFUL little apartment on this lovely street, and had filled it with love and delicious food even before I had arrived.
It was all too good to be true - everything was going perfectly. It was merely the calm between storms - like being in the eye of a cyclone. The very next day, my mother was suddenly taken ill, and she passed away in Calcutta, at the age of 61. When my sister broke the news to me, I felt that the ground beneath my feet had given way. I was at a Mcdonald's, trying to use the internet - I had run out of credit on my phone. As I got the news over the voip call, Caio was coming towards me with a coffee and an ice cream. I did not have to tell him - he knew by my face, and was stunned by the news. It was drizzling outside, and I ran outside just to get some semblance of sanity. The next few hours were spent at the airport trying to get a ticket to India. Luckily, my friend Aroop managed to procure the right tickets for me for the next morning. Caio could not come because of visa issues - I don't think I have ever seen him sadder than to let me go alone.
Thus, in less than 12 hours, I was on a flight to India. What went through my mind cannot be described - I had spoken to her but a couple of days before, over Skype, and everything was fine. How could everything have changed so suddenly?
Yet, it had. I reached Delhi in the night, and Mantosh was there to pick me up. That night was one of the most unrestful ever. The next day, Mantosh dropped me to the airport - I felt so alone. The next couple of hours to Kolkata was stressful, but I tried to catch a bit of sleep. It was going to be a long day.
When I reached Kolkata, I was really glad to see my friend Vahista there to pick me up. A relatively sane person on a relatively insane day was exactly what I needed. I was really concerned about my sister - she had been handling everything single-handedly since my father's illness. Thus, instead of going home, to be greeted by a million people I went straight to the mortuary where my sister was. There, I saw my mother's body, in the hearse car, lying as if she were alive, but asleep, looking serene. I finally felt a bit of relief - her aches and pains were no more. No more would she complain about her arthritis, no more would she want a road-roller to run her over. No more would she chat with us about international politics, nor feed us when we wanted, nor let us lie in her lap when we needed to cry. No more would she want to share a cup of midnight coffee. No more would she steal all the chocolates in the fridge and look all innocent. No more would she defend her dogs every time they destroyed some piece of furniture. No more would she Skype with me, laugh with me, cry with me, crack jokes, leave me links to funny information.
My sister and I cremated her body together. All our rituals then on were carried out with us side by side.
The next few days passed in a blur. Before we knew it, the Shradh (last rites) were over, and it was time for us to end the mourning.
Instead of having a typical ending-the mourning lunch, we decided to celebrate my mother's life through a lovely dinner by the lake at Calcutta Rowing Club, with a slide show of some select moments from her past. While I cannot re-cast the emotions I felt while making it, or watching it, here are some pictures from it:

The Last Year That Has Been

All right - it has definitely been a while since I got down to writing a post. Unfortunately, while the good intentions remained, the flesh was easily distracted. Here is a month-by-month lowdown of what has been going on since my last post:

May - June 2012
The last two fully working months at SAATHII - it was awesome, wonderful and filled with sadness. Letting go of my extended family isn't easy. Moreover, I was also working with my friend Vahista, trying to straighten out our training modules for Project Pehchan, an amazing project, spearheaded by India HIV AIDS Alliance, and being carried out in Eastern India by SAATHII.

Working with Vahista was quite an eye-opener. I was submitted to intense editing, intense emotions and intense hilarity! All that while downing copious quantities of alcohol. Poor Yezdi (Vahista's husband) - am sure he was quite surprised when he saw the alcohol cupboard had been emptied out.

I went to Delhi for the visa interview - and for the first time since we broke up, Mantosh and I met up. It was lovely. I also met his current - really sweet, disarmingly sweet. That was something that I should have done previously - but everything happens at a time for a reason.

While all that was going on, so was my preparations for my journey back to Budapest. Also, Caio was about to come the next month, and we had a full month of traveling and saying goodbyes ahead of us.

July - August 2012

St. Francis (Goa)

July was the month when I actually managed to do something that I had thought would never be possible - getting all my pending leaves! I had a lot of running around to do - partly because of the passport/visa issues and partly because of packing. However, in all this, the first half of the month was spent traveling with Caio. We met at the New Delhi Airport right after he landed from Budapest, and off we went to Mumbai. In a day or so, we went to Goa from there and chilled like never before. Unbelievable, but Caio had been to Goa before - and this was my first ever! From there we went to Kerala - the tea estates of Munnar, elephant rides, boat rides on the backwaters. On the 14th of July, we flew back to Kolkata - because 15th of July is Mum's birthday.

Mother Mary (in the Indian imagination)

The next few days flew by pretty fast. I had to keep commitments right, left and centre. Caio was quite a love with all the running around (what with his generally sociopathic nature :D). The last day in Kolkata was spent eating out with my cousins Putu and Neha, and after a marvellous repast, we sped off to catch the Rajdhani to Delhi. Lots of goodbyes and lots of tears!

Delhi was fantastic - staying at Kajori's place, it brought back some lovely memories, and at the very least, I fell in love all over again with Uncle, Aunty, and Julius (the four-legged, rather lovely chappie who believes he can show me a thing or two about Delhi). While there, I managed to meet up with Mantosh, Saptarshi, Saptarshi's new boyfriend (or not so new any more). And in a few days, we were out of there too. Caio left a day before for Budapest, and I had one final dinner with Kajori, Uncle, Aunty and Mantosh, and I was out the following day.

In Munnar

Reaching Budapest, I discovered that Caio was down with a horrid viral fever - caught, of all the places, after all our travels, from a bugger next to him on the flight! Luckily, my friends who we were staying with -Peter and Richard- were planning to be away for the weekend (and more). A funny thing happened - Caio was as weak as a cat, and I had no idea what type of fever he had - so I made him a nice little pasta with a not-so-spicy sauce (or so I thought). Needless to say, it came up faster than it went down.

In Aleppy

Over the next few days, I was checking out apartments, and caring for Caio, and cooking pash. Once Peter and Richard came back (and luckily Caio was up and about by now), we moved out, into our own place. In the mean time, I also managed to meet up with many of my old friends. It felt I was finally back home.




 
 
September-October 2012 

Rousseau Island

It was time for Caio to go to Geneva - and for me to go to Dubrovnik, Croatia. That was one heck of a conference - all the new SJD scholars, one old one, and one professor - off we went! It was quite a vacation of a conference - truly, I cannot complain. We had sessions from 10 am to 1 pm and then from 5 pm to 7 pm! The rest of our time was spent eating and soaking in the Adriatic. The only thing that did not go right was that my camera disappeared. Once I got back, though, my classes started in right earnest. I have possibly the best educational support system one could ever ask for - a brilliant supervisor, a brilliant HoD and a boyfriend who plies me with scotch to get over my existential crises. Little did I know that it had just started!

November-December 2012

Well, it was time for me to turn 29, and also time I recreated a bit of Bollywood in my tiny apartment on Terez Korut for Diwali. My birthday was filled with immense amounts of angst (for a variety of reasons), and new pictures from a new camera (Caio!!). In the mean time, a little trip to Geneva had also been planned out for me, and our holidays in Italy (nothing much - just Milan, Parma and Florence) for December. Also, thanks to a lovely conference, I couchsurfed for the first time, that too in Vienna! My host for two days was one of the most amiable people I have ever met. I also met Jasbir Puar during that, and despite earnest looks from various friends and colleagues, we discussed scotch (as opposed to homonationalism and pinkwashing).

Uma at the Diwali Party

While the Diwali party started out with complaints of "if you don't put the tea-lights out (in the courtyard) we shall call the police (like SERIOUSLY!!), it was an immense success - with over 40 people crammed into my little studio, with a Kyrgyzstani friend showing Bollywood dance moves, with champagne corks flying all over the place, it was quite lovely! One thing is for sure - all my hard work, and my lovely friend Uma's spontaneity paid off in bundles!

Random dinner with SJD colleagues (and while molesting Thiago)

December - what a month. Get-together after get-together, and I was all geared up for Italy too. The night before I was supposed to leave, I got pretty wasted - and lo and behold, I woke up the next day exactly 5 minutes after my flight had departed. Caio was furious to say the least. However, thank GOD for Easyjet! I was in Geneva the following day, and everything went well hence forth.

Radical church in Parma

Italy was absolutely marvellous - I think I fell in love with Florence more than any other place I had seen in Europe (till then). What was absolutely hilarious for me was that every souvenir shop was being run by Bangladeshis.


January - February 2013
What an amazing start to a new year - the party on the eve was fantastic! It was at Thiago's place, and Caio was in Budapest too! We went to Vorosmarty Ter for fireworks

The awesome Xmas party at Odhran's (and that is Zoli)

- frankly, had the crowd not been so brilliant, we would have been disappointed. I have seen more fireworks at a Punjabi wedding in India. The fun part that evening was getting back home - Caio and I literally waltzed our way down Kiraly Utca all the way to the Korut.

Random drunkenness in Budapest

Studies started off with a bang as well. Surprisingly, most of the classes that I did during my first year concentrated on Political Science - and boy, was I in for a shock. They were bloody demanding, to say the least, but the best part about them was the different streams' students who were there. Each class was brilliant, each presentation something new and fresh (I guess once THEY get to the PhD level, they will be as stale as can be, but not yet!). I must say this though - I seldom felt so overwhelmed as I did at this point.

March - April 2013

Caio in Geneve :)

Almost as bad as February, but the best part was that Caio was more frequently in town than ever! He basically made Budapest his base, and was flying out every week for his classes in Geneva - thank GOD for Wizzair!

May - June 2013
 Oh boy - the least said the better. I had been preparing for my comprehensive exam, and guess what? I have a retake scheduled. It was one of the WORST scenarios I have ever faced. The problem is though that there was no REASON for it to go so poorly! Of course, given the fact that I hated the US jurisdiction as a part of my exam, I felt I could swim by with that portion going poorly. However, I kept on digging my own grave, and fell in it too. Perhaps the professors felt a little sorry for me, because Prof. Uitz pulled me out herself.

What was supposed to be a reward for the comprehensive turned into more of a recuperation holiday to Paris - and I must say - it was FANTASTIC! Caio and I kissed in front of the Eiffel! It was magnificent. I know it might sound corny, but I really cannot help it.

After the trip, my mock comps went decently enough, but were not enough up to the mark for me to be able to do the final comprehensive retake before the summer break. Thus it got rescheduled post-summer, which gave me some time to a) write my first chapter for the thesis, b) write my first chapter for a book (which, incidentally, got published in the mean time) and c) write a paper for a conference in Lisbon.

So, off I went to Lisbon for the summer! Caio was already here - right after I arrived, he mentioned to me that the very next day, we were leaving for Algarve, in the South of Portugal, for there was a conference he wanted to attend. Thus, off we went again!

Dipping my ankles in the Atlantic

Getting back from there to Lisbon, we settled into the new apartment, and by and large, I started getting quite used to the city. In a few days, I had my big conference (and yes, I managed to get funding as well!). However, the day after the conference, I called up home, to be told that Dad was being rushed to the hospital because he was having massive breathing difficulties - turned out it was cancer of the larynx.

Needless to say, given the fact that I am not exactly a non-paranoid person, my life went into a bit of a whirlwind. With finances, etc. to be considered, I just sent home whatever I could, and postponed my going there for a while (once I got to know it wouldn't be fatal). I love my Dad - he might have been an ass at times, as I have too, but he is my Dad, and there is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give to see him not suffer. However, all I could give at that time was money.

What really took me aback and also made me feel that my love must have created some difference in people's lives is when I saw the way my friends stood by my parents. Even Mantosh left everything and flew down from Delhi to be with Mum and Dad, and helped them through the entire initial process. Given the fact that my sister was absolutely alone, it made a huge difference.

July-August 2013
It was Mum's and Dyuti's birthdays in July - unfortunately, in the given circumstances, celebrations were out of the question. But one wonderful thing happened in Lisbon - Caio's Mum came (and is still here as I write this). Her name is Immaculada, and she is wonderful! She is one of the most spirited people I have ever met, and I hope nothing ever pulls her down. She reminds me immensely of my Mum from 10 years back. Bright, enthusiastic and immensely talented.

In the mean time, it is almost time for me to return to Budapest and face the firing squad (aka comprehensive). Studies have been going on, but they took a bit of a back seat due to Dad's cancer. However, at least they are back on track.

So, to summarise :
- Dipping my ankle in the Adriatic - Check
- Dipping my ankle in the Atlantic - Check
- Seeing the Mont Blanc - Check
- Seeing the statue of David - Check
- Getting lost in the streets of Italy - Check
- Kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower - Check
- Going to the Louvre - Check
- Seeing the Mona Lisa - Check
- Seeing the Venus de Milo - Check
- Seeing the Nike of Samothrace - Check
- Seeing the Notre Dame - Check
- Singing Bollywood songs in Paris, Milan, Parma, Florence and Lisbon - Check

Well, it seems like that is quite a few things ticked off my bucket-list of things to do in my life before I die. Sorry for not going into more details, but things would not have been the same without visits from Sujaan, Roshni, Anwesha, Iulia, Yitang, Yash and various other people, who lit up my world and made it a little warmer with their love and affection!

Get outta my bed already!

All right, before anyone goes into anything Freudian, let me send out a caveat- I KNOW! So, while Caio was around, there were times when I felt that it was time I carved out some autonomy in my parental home (where I stay).
For those who have not been across, the room I stay in has a door leading into it from a stairwell- which, unfortunately, is used by my father as his main course of thoroughfare to the upstairs hall where he has his shrine.
Naturally, there have been various accidents where he has walked in on my ex and me making out, (after which he very kindly decided to yell up the stairs to announce his arrival).
When Caio came to stay with me last month, he was, to say the least, a little shocked. To have my dad walking in and out of my room (and my sister, and the maid) was, to say the least, annoying- especially in the afterglow of 'things'.
However, the month passed by- not without certain strains regarding umbilical cords and personal autonomy- and Caio left- not without making me see things in a slightly different way. That too, it wasn't what he said, but how I viewed things - from being single to being a couple (again) after having a degree of independence where I used to lock my room and refuse anyone from barging in.
The other night, I realised how much my personal emotional autonomy is mortaged with my parents- part of it is because I live in their house. Part of it is because I gave it up willingly. For instance, I have the emotional presence of a parent in bed with me at home- even if I am with someone! The best example (or the scariest) was when I had a dream that I was in bed with this really cute guy, and I was snoozing right after, you know, doing the dirty. I heard my dad's voice, and told the other guy, hey, put some clothes on- I think my dad is about to come into my room. So we both got out of bed- and instead of putting any clothes on, we embraced each other, with our eyes closed- with me facing the bed. When I opened my eyes, lo! there was my father sleeping on my bed!
Is it just my being afraid that yet again my dad shall walk in on Caio and I? Or does it go in deeper? Am I reading into something which might just be an imaging of my apprehensions? Or is it something rooted in my psyche with my soul screaming out for my own space? I guess only time will tell..or will you?

Heartbeat

Dear Heart,
How are you? Are you feeling bruised and battered? Or is it a case of old wounds being reopened? Or is it just your pride?
Whatever it is, you felt broken for a second time- hurt and seething in anger- you felt betrayed and stabbed and stomped. You became a victim of another person's guilt.
You knew this was inevitable but never wanted to believe that this could come to pass. Your faith in a person has been shaken- but what about the faith in yourself?
Reach out, my love, reach out towards love- for there is someone waiting to heal you- to love you- to fill your cracks and wounds with a salve more beautiful and soothing than anything else you have ever had.
Love yourself, heart- stop being a victim, and come out victorious! You have survived, and not stopped beating for a moment. You felt numbed with pain, but did not forget to smile. You felt sad for yourself, but happy for someone else.
You still have many miles to go, don't you? Not because you must, but because you shall.

I'm on the floor
counting one minute more
Noone to break the silence

Staring into the night
all alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
Your breaking my heart again

Here in my bed
counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows

Coming home late at night
drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again...(MLTR)

Love,
Your Soul
(image courtesy free-extras.com)

Return home, or is it?

I have not written anything since last December. Much has happened in my life since that time. My relationship fell apart- remember the string of beads? We officially called it off on the 13th of February this year. I still remember the time between 1st of December and the 13th of February. The pain, the strength, the suffering of both of us was something I had not imagined.

Perhaps it was the best thing that could have happened to us. I think the one thing that we have and always had is our friendship. It is an extremely strong bond, and something that will last through the visicitudes of life.

I am back from Hungary- not for good, I hope. The experience was, in short, bloody brilliant! From meeting the Dalai Lama to being taught by people who changed the history of the world, to making friends for life, I did everything!

The job hunt has started already. Going back to Calcutta made me realise one thing- if there is something I don't want, it is to start off my career in Calcutta. I need to be in India for a while. However, I have left a lot behind in Hungary, emotionally speaking- I hope I can go back to claim it.

Wish me luck, for I need it...