The Last Year That Has Been

All right - it has definitely been a while since I got down to writing a post. Unfortunately, while the good intentions remained, the flesh was easily distracted. Here is a month-by-month lowdown of what has been going on since my last post:

May - June 2012
The last two fully working months at SAATHII - it was awesome, wonderful and filled with sadness. Letting go of my extended family isn't easy. Moreover, I was also working with my friend Vahista, trying to straighten out our training modules for Project Pehchan, an amazing project, spearheaded by India HIV AIDS Alliance, and being carried out in Eastern India by SAATHII.

Working with Vahista was quite an eye-opener. I was submitted to intense editing, intense emotions and intense hilarity! All that while downing copious quantities of alcohol. Poor Yezdi (Vahista's husband) - am sure he was quite surprised when he saw the alcohol cupboard had been emptied out.

I went to Delhi for the visa interview - and for the first time since we broke up, Mantosh and I met up. It was lovely. I also met his current - really sweet, disarmingly sweet. That was something that I should have done previously - but everything happens at a time for a reason.

While all that was going on, so was my preparations for my journey back to Budapest. Also, Caio was about to come the next month, and we had a full month of traveling and saying goodbyes ahead of us.

July - August 2012

St. Francis (Goa)

July was the month when I actually managed to do something that I had thought would never be possible - getting all my pending leaves! I had a lot of running around to do - partly because of the passport/visa issues and partly because of packing. However, in all this, the first half of the month was spent traveling with Caio. We met at the New Delhi Airport right after he landed from Budapest, and off we went to Mumbai. In a day or so, we went to Goa from there and chilled like never before. Unbelievable, but Caio had been to Goa before - and this was my first ever! From there we went to Kerala - the tea estates of Munnar, elephant rides, boat rides on the backwaters. On the 14th of July, we flew back to Kolkata - because 15th of July is Mum's birthday.

Mother Mary (in the Indian imagination)

The next few days flew by pretty fast. I had to keep commitments right, left and centre. Caio was quite a love with all the running around (what with his generally sociopathic nature :D). The last day in Kolkata was spent eating out with my cousins Putu and Neha, and after a marvellous repast, we sped off to catch the Rajdhani to Delhi. Lots of goodbyes and lots of tears!

Delhi was fantastic - staying at Kajori's place, it brought back some lovely memories, and at the very least, I fell in love all over again with Uncle, Aunty, and Julius (the four-legged, rather lovely chappie who believes he can show me a thing or two about Delhi). While there, I managed to meet up with Mantosh, Saptarshi, Saptarshi's new boyfriend (or not so new any more). And in a few days, we were out of there too. Caio left a day before for Budapest, and I had one final dinner with Kajori, Uncle, Aunty and Mantosh, and I was out the following day.

In Munnar

Reaching Budapest, I discovered that Caio was down with a horrid viral fever - caught, of all the places, after all our travels, from a bugger next to him on the flight! Luckily, my friends who we were staying with -Peter and Richard- were planning to be away for the weekend (and more). A funny thing happened - Caio was as weak as a cat, and I had no idea what type of fever he had - so I made him a nice little pasta with a not-so-spicy sauce (or so I thought). Needless to say, it came up faster than it went down.

In Aleppy

Over the next few days, I was checking out apartments, and caring for Caio, and cooking pash. Once Peter and Richard came back (and luckily Caio was up and about by now), we moved out, into our own place. In the mean time, I also managed to meet up with many of my old friends. It felt I was finally back home.




 
 
September-October 2012 

Rousseau Island

It was time for Caio to go to Geneva - and for me to go to Dubrovnik, Croatia. That was one heck of a conference - all the new SJD scholars, one old one, and one professor - off we went! It was quite a vacation of a conference - truly, I cannot complain. We had sessions from 10 am to 1 pm and then from 5 pm to 7 pm! The rest of our time was spent eating and soaking in the Adriatic. The only thing that did not go right was that my camera disappeared. Once I got back, though, my classes started in right earnest. I have possibly the best educational support system one could ever ask for - a brilliant supervisor, a brilliant HoD and a boyfriend who plies me with scotch to get over my existential crises. Little did I know that it had just started!

November-December 2012

Well, it was time for me to turn 29, and also time I recreated a bit of Bollywood in my tiny apartment on Terez Korut for Diwali. My birthday was filled with immense amounts of angst (for a variety of reasons), and new pictures from a new camera (Caio!!). In the mean time, a little trip to Geneva had also been planned out for me, and our holidays in Italy (nothing much - just Milan, Parma and Florence) for December. Also, thanks to a lovely conference, I couchsurfed for the first time, that too in Vienna! My host for two days was one of the most amiable people I have ever met. I also met Jasbir Puar during that, and despite earnest looks from various friends and colleagues, we discussed scotch (as opposed to homonationalism and pinkwashing).

Uma at the Diwali Party

While the Diwali party started out with complaints of "if you don't put the tea-lights out (in the courtyard) we shall call the police (like SERIOUSLY!!), it was an immense success - with over 40 people crammed into my little studio, with a Kyrgyzstani friend showing Bollywood dance moves, with champagne corks flying all over the place, it was quite lovely! One thing is for sure - all my hard work, and my lovely friend Uma's spontaneity paid off in bundles!

Random dinner with SJD colleagues (and while molesting Thiago)

December - what a month. Get-together after get-together, and I was all geared up for Italy too. The night before I was supposed to leave, I got pretty wasted - and lo and behold, I woke up the next day exactly 5 minutes after my flight had departed. Caio was furious to say the least. However, thank GOD for Easyjet! I was in Geneva the following day, and everything went well hence forth.

Radical church in Parma

Italy was absolutely marvellous - I think I fell in love with Florence more than any other place I had seen in Europe (till then). What was absolutely hilarious for me was that every souvenir shop was being run by Bangladeshis.


January - February 2013
What an amazing start to a new year - the party on the eve was fantastic! It was at Thiago's place, and Caio was in Budapest too! We went to Vorosmarty Ter for fireworks

The awesome Xmas party at Odhran's (and that is Zoli)

- frankly, had the crowd not been so brilliant, we would have been disappointed. I have seen more fireworks at a Punjabi wedding in India. The fun part that evening was getting back home - Caio and I literally waltzed our way down Kiraly Utca all the way to the Korut.

Random drunkenness in Budapest

Studies started off with a bang as well. Surprisingly, most of the classes that I did during my first year concentrated on Political Science - and boy, was I in for a shock. They were bloody demanding, to say the least, but the best part about them was the different streams' students who were there. Each class was brilliant, each presentation something new and fresh (I guess once THEY get to the PhD level, they will be as stale as can be, but not yet!). I must say this though - I seldom felt so overwhelmed as I did at this point.

March - April 2013

Caio in Geneve :)

Almost as bad as February, but the best part was that Caio was more frequently in town than ever! He basically made Budapest his base, and was flying out every week for his classes in Geneva - thank GOD for Wizzair!

May - June 2013
 Oh boy - the least said the better. I had been preparing for my comprehensive exam, and guess what? I have a retake scheduled. It was one of the WORST scenarios I have ever faced. The problem is though that there was no REASON for it to go so poorly! Of course, given the fact that I hated the US jurisdiction as a part of my exam, I felt I could swim by with that portion going poorly. However, I kept on digging my own grave, and fell in it too. Perhaps the professors felt a little sorry for me, because Prof. Uitz pulled me out herself.

What was supposed to be a reward for the comprehensive turned into more of a recuperation holiday to Paris - and I must say - it was FANTASTIC! Caio and I kissed in front of the Eiffel! It was magnificent. I know it might sound corny, but I really cannot help it.

After the trip, my mock comps went decently enough, but were not enough up to the mark for me to be able to do the final comprehensive retake before the summer break. Thus it got rescheduled post-summer, which gave me some time to a) write my first chapter for the thesis, b) write my first chapter for a book (which, incidentally, got published in the mean time) and c) write a paper for a conference in Lisbon.

So, off I went to Lisbon for the summer! Caio was already here - right after I arrived, he mentioned to me that the very next day, we were leaving for Algarve, in the South of Portugal, for there was a conference he wanted to attend. Thus, off we went again!

Dipping my ankles in the Atlantic

Getting back from there to Lisbon, we settled into the new apartment, and by and large, I started getting quite used to the city. In a few days, I had my big conference (and yes, I managed to get funding as well!). However, the day after the conference, I called up home, to be told that Dad was being rushed to the hospital because he was having massive breathing difficulties - turned out it was cancer of the larynx.

Needless to say, given the fact that I am not exactly a non-paranoid person, my life went into a bit of a whirlwind. With finances, etc. to be considered, I just sent home whatever I could, and postponed my going there for a while (once I got to know it wouldn't be fatal). I love my Dad - he might have been an ass at times, as I have too, but he is my Dad, and there is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give to see him not suffer. However, all I could give at that time was money.

What really took me aback and also made me feel that my love must have created some difference in people's lives is when I saw the way my friends stood by my parents. Even Mantosh left everything and flew down from Delhi to be with Mum and Dad, and helped them through the entire initial process. Given the fact that my sister was absolutely alone, it made a huge difference.

July-August 2013
It was Mum's and Dyuti's birthdays in July - unfortunately, in the given circumstances, celebrations were out of the question. But one wonderful thing happened in Lisbon - Caio's Mum came (and is still here as I write this). Her name is Immaculada, and she is wonderful! She is one of the most spirited people I have ever met, and I hope nothing ever pulls her down. She reminds me immensely of my Mum from 10 years back. Bright, enthusiastic and immensely talented.

In the mean time, it is almost time for me to return to Budapest and face the firing squad (aka comprehensive). Studies have been going on, but they took a bit of a back seat due to Dad's cancer. However, at least they are back on track.

So, to summarise :
- Dipping my ankle in the Adriatic - Check
- Dipping my ankle in the Atlantic - Check
- Seeing the Mont Blanc - Check
- Seeing the statue of David - Check
- Getting lost in the streets of Italy - Check
- Kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower - Check
- Going to the Louvre - Check
- Seeing the Mona Lisa - Check
- Seeing the Venus de Milo - Check
- Seeing the Nike of Samothrace - Check
- Seeing the Notre Dame - Check
- Singing Bollywood songs in Paris, Milan, Parma, Florence and Lisbon - Check

Well, it seems like that is quite a few things ticked off my bucket-list of things to do in my life before I die. Sorry for not going into more details, but things would not have been the same without visits from Sujaan, Roshni, Anwesha, Iulia, Yitang, Yash and various other people, who lit up my world and made it a little warmer with their love and affection!

Get outta my bed already!

All right, before anyone goes into anything Freudian, let me send out a caveat- I KNOW! So, while Caio was around, there were times when I felt that it was time I carved out some autonomy in my parental home (where I stay).
For those who have not been across, the room I stay in has a door leading into it from a stairwell- which, unfortunately, is used by my father as his main course of thoroughfare to the upstairs hall where he has his shrine.
Naturally, there have been various accidents where he has walked in on my ex and me making out, (after which he very kindly decided to yell up the stairs to announce his arrival).
When Caio came to stay with me last month, he was, to say the least, a little shocked. To have my dad walking in and out of my room (and my sister, and the maid) was, to say the least, annoying- especially in the afterglow of 'things'.
However, the month passed by- not without certain strains regarding umbilical cords and personal autonomy- and Caio left- not without making me see things in a slightly different way. That too, it wasn't what he said, but how I viewed things - from being single to being a couple (again) after having a degree of independence where I used to lock my room and refuse anyone from barging in.
The other night, I realised how much my personal emotional autonomy is mortaged with my parents- part of it is because I live in their house. Part of it is because I gave it up willingly. For instance, I have the emotional presence of a parent in bed with me at home- even if I am with someone! The best example (or the scariest) was when I had a dream that I was in bed with this really cute guy, and I was snoozing right after, you know, doing the dirty. I heard my dad's voice, and told the other guy, hey, put some clothes on- I think my dad is about to come into my room. So we both got out of bed- and instead of putting any clothes on, we embraced each other, with our eyes closed- with me facing the bed. When I opened my eyes, lo! there was my father sleeping on my bed!
Is it just my being afraid that yet again my dad shall walk in on Caio and I? Or does it go in deeper? Am I reading into something which might just be an imaging of my apprehensions? Or is it something rooted in my psyche with my soul screaming out for my own space? I guess only time will tell..or will you?

Heartbeat

Dear Heart,
How are you? Are you feeling bruised and battered? Or is it a case of old wounds being reopened? Or is it just your pride?
Whatever it is, you felt broken for a second time- hurt and seething in anger- you felt betrayed and stabbed and stomped. You became a victim of another person's guilt.
You knew this was inevitable but never wanted to believe that this could come to pass. Your faith in a person has been shaken- but what about the faith in yourself?
Reach out, my love, reach out towards love- for there is someone waiting to heal you- to love you- to fill your cracks and wounds with a salve more beautiful and soothing than anything else you have ever had.
Love yourself, heart- stop being a victim, and come out victorious! You have survived, and not stopped beating for a moment. You felt numbed with pain, but did not forget to smile. You felt sad for yourself, but happy for someone else.
You still have many miles to go, don't you? Not because you must, but because you shall.

I'm on the floor
counting one minute more
Noone to break the silence

Staring into the night
all alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
Your breaking my heart again

Here in my bed
counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows

Coming home late at night
drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again...(MLTR)

Love,
Your Soul
(image courtesy free-extras.com)

Return home, or is it?

I have not written anything since last December. Much has happened in my life since that time. My relationship fell apart- remember the string of beads? We officially called it off on the 13th of February this year. I still remember the time between 1st of December and the 13th of February. The pain, the strength, the suffering of both of us was something I had not imagined.

Perhaps it was the best thing that could have happened to us. I think the one thing that we have and always had is our friendship. It is an extremely strong bond, and something that will last through the visicitudes of life.

I am back from Hungary- not for good, I hope. The experience was, in short, bloody brilliant! From meeting the Dalai Lama to being taught by people who changed the history of the world, to making friends for life, I did everything!

The job hunt has started already. Going back to Calcutta made me realise one thing- if there is something I don't want, it is to start off my career in Calcutta. I need to be in India for a while. However, I have left a lot behind in Hungary, emotionally speaking- I hope I can go back to claim it.

Wish me luck, for I need it...

It Broke...

Someone had given me a string of beads- something that I wore on my wrist everyday, for the last two years at least!
Suddenly, a week or so before I left for Budapest, it broke. In the whirlwind that ensued, I did not get time to rethread it, but nevertheless, I carried it close with me. It travelled with me all the way to Hungary.
One day, I saw that the beads were coming apart- I realised that it was time I put everything aside, and restring the beads. I did so- but only to realise that it wasn't as tightly and strongly strung as before. I figured out that, for the time-being, I just need to let it be the way it is.
When I go back home, I shall try and get it strengthened- I shall have a leather thong reinforcing the back, and new thread to run through the entirety. It will be as strong as before, if not stronger- at least, I am not going to give up without trying. After all if it has been with you for so long, and if it is so dear to you, its worth it, isn't it?

Yet more thoughts....

I feel loved, empowered. I have friends. Friends who care about the strength of my coffee, friends who care whether my blanket has slipped off, friends who care to shout at me if I don't study- friends who stood by me when I felt utterly helpless.

Can I thank them enough? Would it be an insult to them? Could it create a wall between us- and our friendship? Just to let them know- they are always there in my thoughts and prayers...

Fleeting thoughts...

I want to run away
I want to go where its safe
I want to close my horizon
I want to rise within myself
I want to go and lie in a corner
I want the warmth of my street, my home
I want to touch everything that is familiar
I want to rid myself of this quaking
I want to physically limit myself
I want to expand emotionally
I want my mother, my father
I want to wake up to the barks of my dogs
I want to go home

For the past few days, I have been pretty unsettled. I am giving up my apartment which was home for me for the past few weeks, and have already (temporarily) moved in with friends. I cannot stay in my apartment any longer. For various reasons. I cite only the financial ones.

This Christmas, I think I shall be away from my family. My first Christmas and New Year's away. I am not even with my lover. Granted- there are many others here facing the same situation. I am not complaining. It is just that I miss my parents.

Recently, there have been demises amongst near and dear ones. It has made me realise how mortal my parents are. Larger than life personalities often make you forget that they are made from flesh and blood. I don't want to be away in case something fatal should befall them. I want to be in a place where I can reach them within a few hours.

I needed to take this opportunity- to come abroad for further studies- and I am not doing all that badly. But what I constantly keep on asking myself is- is it worth it?
Sometimes I feel like a selfish prick. Being away when they possibly most need me. I could have been home, hunting around for a job of my liking, looking after my parents, and possibly blamed myself for the rest of my life for not taking this opportunity up- but I would have been happy in my own, limited way. Ever-expanding horizons want to make you run. But sometimes, it is necessary to stop.

God, grant me the strength to hang on till the end of this course- and grant my family and lover the boon of health. I need to be back with them. I need to be there for them, like they have been for me.