Get outta my bed already!

All right, before anyone goes into anything Freudian, let me send out a caveat- I KNOW! So, while Caio was around, there were times when I felt that it was time I carved out some autonomy in my parental home (where I stay).
For those who have not been across, the room I stay in has a door leading into it from a stairwell- which, unfortunately, is used by my father as his main course of thoroughfare to the upstairs hall where he has his shrine.
Naturally, there have been various accidents where he has walked in on my ex and me making out, (after which he very kindly decided to yell up the stairs to announce his arrival).
When Caio came to stay with me last month, he was, to say the least, a little shocked. To have my dad walking in and out of my room (and my sister, and the maid) was, to say the least, annoying- especially in the afterglow of 'things'.
However, the month passed by- not without certain strains regarding umbilical cords and personal autonomy- and Caio left- not without making me see things in a slightly different way. That too, it wasn't what he said, but how I viewed things - from being single to being a couple (again) after having a degree of independence where I used to lock my room and refuse anyone from barging in.
The other night, I realised how much my personal emotional autonomy is mortaged with my parents- part of it is because I live in their house. Part of it is because I gave it up willingly. For instance, I have the emotional presence of a parent in bed with me at home- even if I am with someone! The best example (or the scariest) was when I had a dream that I was in bed with this really cute guy, and I was snoozing right after, you know, doing the dirty. I heard my dad's voice, and told the other guy, hey, put some clothes on- I think my dad is about to come into my room. So we both got out of bed- and instead of putting any clothes on, we embraced each other, with our eyes closed- with me facing the bed. When I opened my eyes, lo! there was my father sleeping on my bed!
Is it just my being afraid that yet again my dad shall walk in on Caio and I? Or does it go in deeper? Am I reading into something which might just be an imaging of my apprehensions? Or is it something rooted in my psyche with my soul screaming out for my own space? I guess only time will tell..or will you?

Heartbeat

Dear Heart,
How are you? Are you feeling bruised and battered? Or is it a case of old wounds being reopened? Or is it just your pride?
Whatever it is, you felt broken for a second time- hurt and seething in anger- you felt betrayed and stabbed and stomped. You became a victim of another person's guilt.
You knew this was inevitable but never wanted to believe that this could come to pass. Your faith in a person has been shaken- but what about the faith in yourself?
Reach out, my love, reach out towards love- for there is someone waiting to heal you- to love you- to fill your cracks and wounds with a salve more beautiful and soothing than anything else you have ever had.
Love yourself, heart- stop being a victim, and come out victorious! You have survived, and not stopped beating for a moment. You felt numbed with pain, but did not forget to smile. You felt sad for yourself, but happy for someone else.
You still have many miles to go, don't you? Not because you must, but because you shall.

I'm on the floor
counting one minute more
Noone to break the silence

Staring into the night
all alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
Your breaking my heart again

Here in my bed
counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows

Coming home late at night
drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again...(MLTR)

Love,
Your Soul
(image courtesy free-extras.com)

Return home, or is it?

I have not written anything since last December. Much has happened in my life since that time. My relationship fell apart- remember the string of beads? We officially called it off on the 13th of February this year. I still remember the time between 1st of December and the 13th of February. The pain, the strength, the suffering of both of us was something I had not imagined.

Perhaps it was the best thing that could have happened to us. I think the one thing that we have and always had is our friendship. It is an extremely strong bond, and something that will last through the visicitudes of life.

I am back from Hungary- not for good, I hope. The experience was, in short, bloody brilliant! From meeting the Dalai Lama to being taught by people who changed the history of the world, to making friends for life, I did everything!

The job hunt has started already. Going back to Calcutta made me realise one thing- if there is something I don't want, it is to start off my career in Calcutta. I need to be in India for a while. However, I have left a lot behind in Hungary, emotionally speaking- I hope I can go back to claim it.

Wish me luck, for I need it...

It Broke...

Someone had given me a string of beads- something that I wore on my wrist everyday, for the last two years at least!
Suddenly, a week or so before I left for Budapest, it broke. In the whirlwind that ensued, I did not get time to rethread it, but nevertheless, I carried it close with me. It travelled with me all the way to Hungary.
One day, I saw that the beads were coming apart- I realised that it was time I put everything aside, and restring the beads. I did so- but only to realise that it wasn't as tightly and strongly strung as before. I figured out that, for the time-being, I just need to let it be the way it is.
When I go back home, I shall try and get it strengthened- I shall have a leather thong reinforcing the back, and new thread to run through the entirety. It will be as strong as before, if not stronger- at least, I am not going to give up without trying. After all if it has been with you for so long, and if it is so dear to you, its worth it, isn't it?

Yet more thoughts....

I feel loved, empowered. I have friends. Friends who care about the strength of my coffee, friends who care whether my blanket has slipped off, friends who care to shout at me if I don't study- friends who stood by me when I felt utterly helpless.

Can I thank them enough? Would it be an insult to them? Could it create a wall between us- and our friendship? Just to let them know- they are always there in my thoughts and prayers...

Fleeting thoughts...

I want to run away
I want to go where its safe
I want to close my horizon
I want to rise within myself
I want to go and lie in a corner
I want the warmth of my street, my home
I want to touch everything that is familiar
I want to rid myself of this quaking
I want to physically limit myself
I want to expand emotionally
I want my mother, my father
I want to wake up to the barks of my dogs
I want to go home

For the past few days, I have been pretty unsettled. I am giving up my apartment which was home for me for the past few weeks, and have already (temporarily) moved in with friends. I cannot stay in my apartment any longer. For various reasons. I cite only the financial ones.

This Christmas, I think I shall be away from my family. My first Christmas and New Year's away. I am not even with my lover. Granted- there are many others here facing the same situation. I am not complaining. It is just that I miss my parents.

Recently, there have been demises amongst near and dear ones. It has made me realise how mortal my parents are. Larger than life personalities often make you forget that they are made from flesh and blood. I don't want to be away in case something fatal should befall them. I want to be in a place where I can reach them within a few hours.

I needed to take this opportunity- to come abroad for further studies- and I am not doing all that badly. But what I constantly keep on asking myself is- is it worth it?
Sometimes I feel like a selfish prick. Being away when they possibly most need me. I could have been home, hunting around for a job of my liking, looking after my parents, and possibly blamed myself for the rest of my life for not taking this opportunity up- but I would have been happy in my own, limited way. Ever-expanding horizons want to make you run. But sometimes, it is necessary to stop.

God, grant me the strength to hang on till the end of this course- and grant my family and lover the boon of health. I need to be back with them. I need to be there for them, like they have been for me.

Pujas in Hungary

It has been a while since I last blogged. In the mean time, I have covered my first module, and am almost through with my second module. The pressure of the course has not given me much time to think. However, I have had to take some time off in order to sort out some messes that were happening with my flat-mate.
It is important to understand each other when you come from two vividly different cultures. Why abroad? Take India as an example- East barely understands the West, and the North and South seldom meet. However, it takes time- especially when you are put into a situation where you have to deal with each other- at least the minimal requirements need to be met.
Now that all that is sorted, for the time being, I have had time to dwell on my being away from home. Do I miss home? No. Do I miss the people? Yes. Despite whatever misunderstandings I have with my dad, I miss him. I miss mom too, but at least we manage to speak a fair amount. On the other hand, one person who I used to speak to a lot at home, but can barely ever now, is my sister.
I miss my dogs as well. I miss cuddling the puppies, cribbing about feeding them and taking them out.
Perhaps all this has become more vivid for me for its the Pujas back in Kolkata right now.My friends, my family- all of them make my festivities come alive, no matter what. Whether it is just a five-rupee road-side chat, or a 5000-rupee dinner at the Taj, it doesn't make much difference- the fun and the bonding is not here, somehow. Perhaps it is because of the cultural differences, or perhaps it is because of the lack of familiarity.
I have some really amazing friends here- they are really nice, and have made me feel as comfortable as I could ever be- considering the fact that I am away from my partner and my family.
The only problem that I find is that I don't seem to have any commonality with them. I cannot bond with them as I would like to. Perhaps it is a little early in the day to decide, but I definitely hope it improves.