For it's worth it

Why is it that after you come out, it seems as if you have just given yourself the license to kill- or in this case, just do what the heck you want? Running roughshod over a person just because the person is in the closet is not the reason why you came out in the first place.

When we come out, we often forget about the pain and angst we went through while we were in the closet. We forget that this so-called freedom came at a great price, and because of that, we end up being judgemental about the matter when it comes to people who still haven’t negotiated that price.

Let’s take a case study- me, for instance. I cannot even remember the circumstances because of which I came out. What I do remember is that for the first couple of years, I was defensive about my sexuality- if you can’t take me the way I am, to hell with you and your brethren!

By and large, age took over, problems took over. I started realising that the need of the hour wasn’t to be defensive but to be acceptant of people around me. Everyone cannot be expected to be the same. My parents weren’t half as cool with my coming out then as they are now. Today, my parents actually accept my partner as a part of the family (and so do my dogs). However, it took a lot of bridge-building to get there.

My partner has been extremely supportive throughout- a little history for the uninitiated- Mantosh and I met in 2007 at the Rainbow Awards for the Siddhartha Gautam Film Festival. He was and is in the closet as far as his family is concerned. I am not. I am nothing more than a name for his family. But I am his life. That makes a difference to my life- and to our life. My accepting this clause took some time. I felt that by coming out, I had given myself the right to be in an out-and-about relationship, with acceptance from his family as well, just like my family had.

I used to feel hurt on some level- but what made my hurt disappear was when I realised what he goes through, trying to balance the home-front and the love-front. I am as tempestuous as ever, but I try and reason out my anger nowadays. I remember the hard times I gave him- the times when I wanted him to say something intimate, and he could not. There were times when he went and sat on the roof of his house, in a chilly Bokaro winter or a mosquito-infested summer, just so that I could carry out my tirades. I was taking my angst out in the comfort of my own room, on the softness of my bed.

Such reasons have often destroyed the rosiest of relationships. Yet, somewhere, it strengthened ours. It watered our tree of love to an extent where once, an immense storm blew, and not even a leaf blew away.

It takes a lot to make a relationship work out. Let us be a little easy on ourselves...and at the same time, let us not give up so easily...for it’s worth it.

Morning this day

Walking in the morning sun
A cool breeze wafting by
Dogs running about
Grazing by you as they playfully scoot around

The green of the leaves
Swaying gently in the wind
The sound of the trees whispering in my mind
The birds chirping and chattering

The swirl in my coffee cup
The steam rising
The phone screensaver
With my lover's picture

The smile on mom's face
The cheese omelette
With diced tomatoes and onions
With an ice cream sandesh to wrap it up

Life in 2010

It has been a good three months since I last blogged. So much has happened in the first quarter of this year that it has been absolutely impossible to clear my mind's cobwebs and sit down to write some sense for you guys out there.

This year brought about a few revelations for me-
a) that I am capable of doing things which I never thought I could
b) that the people I work with are selfless enough to think of money as a secondary factor
c) that the people I work with have become, in more than just a manner of speaking, extended family.
d) that the unknown areas that I am stepping into are making me a stronger person
e) that I am over and done with people who are snobs without reason
f) that it is impossible to find as much support as I have from my friends and my family- including my love...

My work scope has expanded immensely. From being a part-time consultant for SAATHII I have become a Service and Advocacy Coordinator for two states. At this time of the year, both the states, Orissa and West Bengal, happen to become boiling pots- especially Orissa. I don't know how I am going to manage the heat, but someone up there has some plans for me....evidently.

Around this time, last year, I wasn't sure whether I was coming or going. I was upset at myself for trying out for an MBA- for chasing after money wearing Barkat Ali suits are not what I ever thought I was meant for. Yet for some reason it seemed to be the only way- and then I got called for the final round in TISS- Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai- for MSW. That was the only silver lining in my life at that time. I had realised by then that I would be much happier doing what I was best at- advocacy, capacity building, etc.

However, TISS fell through- but at the same time, it opened up other doors for me. Rohit, a friend of mine, who went through the same rigmarole with TISS as me, works with SAATHII as well. He, along with Pawan, an old-time acquaintance of mine, as well as the Director of SAATHII Kolkata, got in touch with me, and asked me to take on a part-time legal consultancy with the Legal Aid Unit of SAATHII- something that I could do while practising.

By and large, I got more and more involved and engrossed in the work- and soon I decided that I no longer want to run to the courts, wearing a black gown and a suit in the searing heat.

Today, I have grown a lot. I have gone beyond the inherent snobbery that I had to a snobbery of a different sort- of achievement. Emotional and intellectual achievement. Financially, I am lagging behind a lot of my friends who are practising, or perhaps working in the corporate sector, but I am happy- which is more than what I can say for a lot of people. People who need to be defensive about themselves, for they lack conviction in themselves, for they are uncomfortable in their own skin. People who need to be happy, but aren't.

This was a lesson I needed to learn- and luckily I learnt it at no cost to myself on any level. Life is not just about Prada and Gucci. Its about having the gumption to trod the fields of the country while wearing Prada and Gucci.

A short story..

Merry Christmas! Its been a very long time since I last posted something... but here is something that I wrote a while back...and there is a reason why I am posting this here, today..

" As I entered the classroom, I was filled with a kind of fear. Once again they had shuffled us around. I needed to find my footholds again. Not easy, considering the fact that I was in Class 10, and this was merely my second year in the school. I looked around, to see who looked the most amiable. My eyes lighted on someone. I don't know why, but I felt an immediate connection somewhere. Rakesh

We went onto become best friends. Rakesh had an extremely troubled home. His father was abusive, his mother constantly dazed, and he in a relationship, which seemed to be heading somewhere, but at that point of time, it was impossible to point out where. His girlfriend looked at him as the only outlet she had.

Gradually the years went by. It was time for us to finish with our schools. It was the day of the results. Rakesh and I went together to check our marks. He told me to check them for him- I was his lucky charm. Somewhere within me, I felt warm. I felt as if he had found the affection he needed from his home in me. I felt happy. I announced his scores. Not brilliant, but pretty good. I was extremely happy for him. He hugged me tightly. It felt wonderful to know that I had such a friend.

Rakesh's girlfriend, Sheena went off to Pune for further studies. They were still together, with Rakesh hoping they would even get married in the future. Rakesh decided to visit Sheena- at the same time, jeopardising his chance of getting into a fantastic college. They ate together, they slept together, they fought, they made up- everything that a normal relationship was built on. Rakesh came back- told me about all their petty arguments, and how much he missed her, and her little quirks which he loved.

One day, after his return, I emailed Sheena. Somehow I had sensed that things were just not right somewhere. I wrote to her, telling her how tough things had been for Rakesh over here, and how emotionally overwrought he had been. She wrote back, telling me that it was not working out, and that she planned to dump him on her next visit back home. She also told me not to tell him about this email.

I was shocked, to say the very least. I decided that I would do everything in my power to prepare Rakesh for the inevitable, and then show him the email. I had every confidence that this delay would be well-taken by him. Little did I know of what was to come.

I started telling him things which would, in my eyes, prepare him for the worst. I thought I had prepared him enough- then I told him about the email. He was taken back- to the extent that he went absolutely silent.

For a few nights after that, Rakesh came across to my home. In the night he would lie next to me and cry. I would hold him and comfort him, but to no avail. He became very withdrawn.

When she came down for her holidays, she called Rakesh over to her place for lunch- and broke the news. When he took it pretty decently she suspected that I had already told him about it. He denied any such thing. Inwardly, his worst nightmare was unfolding in front of his eyes. He was never the same again.

Gradually, time healed a few of Rakesh's wounds. He started going around with someone else- someone who perhaps was not the best news for him. We, too, went through a low, which was reconciled- in a way that I never thought would ever lead to anything ever coming between us again. Strange how we infer on such situations, when it is actually way beyond our control.

Yet, months later... in fact, years later... he decided to hold the suppression against me. I remember that night vividly, yet at the same time, I still can't fathom what triggered it off. Rakesh's behaviour had changed in a way- he had become more abrupt and edgy over the past month or so. I overlooked it, thinking it had everything to do with what was going on in his love life.

It was during the Durga Pujas. There were other friends around. All I remember are a lot of words being flung about, and I not being able to believe what it triggered off. Over the next few days, our common friends started taking sides, and I felt a void- the belittling of my love for him, the thrashing of my trust in him. I could not believe that this was the same person for whom I would have gladly given up my happiness to ensure his.

Its been around four years since that fateful day. Today, whenever we cross each other's paths, we look through each other, so much so that not even a cursory glance is exchanged. In spite of it, I still search within me for answers to the many questions that his sight triggers off within me. So much for the best friend I could have ever had. SO much for the affection I harboured within me for him, and will do forever."

Today, Rakesh waved at me.. a short, hesitant wave.... in the crowds at St. Paul's Cathedral. I gave a short wave back... without a smile...somehow, I felt so sad within, that I think it showed on my face. Then again, I remembered I need to be in the present, and that is when happiness flooded me. For the friends I was with, and I am with.

Hello all!

Well, time to update my audience about what's been going on in my life!

Over the last few months, my ties with a NGO called SAATHII Kolkata have grown in leaps and bounds. Currently I am on their Legal Aid Unit, as well as on their legal Referral Panel. The kind of work they do is the kind of work I always thought I would be good at, except that I never thought it would be so extremely draining, emotionally speaking. Dealing with HIV victims' past trauma can often become the subject of your larger nightmares. Sometimes you feel as if you cannot do anything for them- and that is the worst thing ever! Yesterday was one of those days- when I could not separate my emotions from their problems- to the extent that I went off on one of my walks. Even that did not help me calm down- but what did help was talking to Mantosh. Thank God!

On that note, an interesting development happened on Mantosh's end... which leads me to write on this. When people meet online, and fall in love with each other online, without meeting each other in person, does that mean that the relationship shall actually become reality beyond virtual reality? When you exchange promises of love and rejoicing, of sorrow and confessions, if its done over the net, does it actually mean that it shall extend into real life? What if the people meet, and find they can't stand each other for their quirks? What if they have lied to each other online, just to make sure they can make-believe that they are in solid relationships?

Yet, what it they have actually found their soulmates? Could it be that without meeting, over an extremely short period of time, you can actually fall for another person, and that this virtual falling is equal and equivalent to actual falling? Is it possible to tell whether a person feels warmth for you,when you have not felt him in your arms?

Perhaps, it works for some people. Often people can't distinguish between a cyber crush and love bites. Whenever this happens, it leads to a lot of virtual heartaches, which create angst which is real enough... The question that I must ask here is, is it worth it? Not knowing the person, yet knowing him, not seeing the person, yet seeing him... doesn't it take a toll on the emotional self?

Comments are invited:-))))

Closure

Why is it that when people you love and care for cause so much pain and angst when they move away silently? Isn't it better than tearing your hair out, screaming and shouting and creating a scene?

Perhaps not. It might stop you from causing a social embarrassment, but it does not stop you from caving in within, tearing your heart apart wondering what went wrong. It does not stop you from passing snide remarks, trying to mask your pain and anguish in being let down.

Let me tell you a story- about two friends. Lets call them X and Y. X was new in town, a shy young man, who had the most delightful million-dollar smile on earth! His job had brought him down there. Y was from the town, and the first friend X made outside his work circle. When X came into town, it was the monsoons. Waterlogged and woebegone, he almost hated every minute that he spent here. Then he met Y.

Gradually they became thicker and thicker. Sometime after they met and became friends, Y fell head over heels in love. X was happy for him. After all it wasn't something that happens everyday!

Days went by, and months went by... there was no secret between X and Y... or so Y thought. X and Y would still spend a lot of time together. He was treated like another son by Y's family- including a special showcasing of a family fight! And then Y introduced X to someone, who he thought he might get along with.

And they fell for each other.

Except that, the "other" had no intention of being tied down. He was hell-bent on getting rid of X from his life as a lover, and just keeping him as a friend- whether his intentions were good or bad, it was left to be seen.

Some inkling of this crept into Y's ears, and he let a "common friend" know what he thought might happen. Y did not tell X anything about what he thought, but he did drop a warning.

Then, the catharsis happened. X's lover started behaving weirdly. He went and confided in the "common friend" who very happily passed on the information that apparently Y was more in the know about the matter than he claimed. And then the fissure ensued.

Things settled down. Clouds were dispelled, or so Y thought.

X started hiding various aspects of his life from Y. Yet Y, like a fool, thought everything was the same as before. He never left any secret in his stomach as far as X was concerned. After all, X was more than just a friend. He was more like a brother!

Another year passed by. It was closing on Christmas. Y's lover had left the country for further studies. He sought for succour in X, for it wasn't easy to deal with the physical separation.

Then something rather strange happened. X stopped talking. Altogether. One evening he was across at Y's place, chatting with his mum, listening to a radio programme, and the next he had cut out Y from his life!

Y was distraught. He had no idea what might have happened to cause this sudden change. Yet, this separation brought about the revelation of many facts which X had suppressed from Y. It hurt him even more to know that X had always kept a lot of facts about himself hidden from him, when he had made his life an open book to X, made him privy to his innermost thoughts, his most passionate moments and so on.

Months passed by. By this time, X had moved out of Y's hometown, and gone off somewhere- to a place where Y had many friends. In fact, half the people who were friends with X over there were introduced to him by Y.

One fine evening, a friend of Y's bumped into X at a common friend's party. Naturally curious about what might have happened between the two of them, he asked openly about it. Then X comes out with it- apparently X had been told by "people" that Y had been saying things about him behind his back.

Where was the trust on which the friendship was supposedly based on? Couldn't X have asked Y whether he had actually said all that? Could it have been that statements had been taken out of context?

After months of tearing his hair out, Y is finally at peace. The fact that there was no trust between him and X made him realise that it was a good thing the friendship ended where it had. After all, it had been more of a farce than a friendship. A pity he had trusted X so much, but, nevertheless, it had never been reciprocated. From the secrets to believing others over him, X had gone the whole hog.

The other day, over tea, he told me that it was a good thing that he learnt that the basic trust was lacking, and that it had come from X himself. He stopped cursing himself and kicking himself, thinking he had lost a good friend. Now he actually pities X for having lost out on a friend in him.

Knowing Y for what he is, I kind of agree with that.

Tired

It has gone to the back of beyond this time. Ever since Mantosh left for Russia, I have been having sleepless nights. I lie awake till it strikes dawn, and then I manage to go to sleep, more out of exhaustion than anything else.

I cry, hoping it will make me feel sleepy. I cry for him, for me, for us. I cry for the distance, the want, the hope. Yet, it does not make me feel restful.

There is this part of me which feels so extremely uncertain. The only thing that I feel certain about, that I feel absolutely sure about, is our love. Everything else we want and we need seem so close to our grasp, yet so far.

I know I sound as if i am rambling. But that is the state of my mind. Turbulent, yet calm. Its as if it is the surface of the sea, where it's the deepest. Barely a ripple on the surface, but cyclones in the sand beneath the surface. Ripping things apart- perhaps creating something new, something more beautiful than ever before. I have to wait for the sand to settle before I can make out what ravages it has caused, what newness it has left behind, what it has cleansed, what it has warped.

I have responsibilities, just like the rest of us. Do all of us feel as if we are about to be buried under a mountain? Not a mountain of burdens, but more a mountain of expectations, in my case.

People think I am talented. I am led to believe, thanks to them, that I am. Yet, mediocrity seems to haunt me every step of the way.

Somewhere, I hope, the turbulence beneath the surface will rid me of the shackles, of the pent-up emotional debris that has been burying me for a long time now.

Somewhere, I know, our love will bring me out of this, clean and pure.

Somewhere, I know I have to wait.