A few snippets

My birthday (Nov., 2013)

On the 2nd of November, in the evening, we had a gathering at a friend's place, where I got pretty sozzled - it was my birthday the next day, and my friends made sure I had a pretty memorable time.
The next day, I did not feel like getting out of bed - partly because I was tired from the previous night's shenanigans, and partly because Mummy wasn't there. She had always taken every step she could to make us feel really special on our birthdays - and without her, somehow the meaning seemed to have disappeared.

Daddy had always been awkward when it came to sentiments and emotions. I still recall a birthday where he did not wish me for the longest just because he did not have a gift to give me - according to him, mere wishing was nothing.

Yet, this was the one day he knew he had to make up for all those years of awkwardness. He noticed I was stirring, and he was still not able to speak, he wrote a little note for me. It was probably the nicest gift he had ever given me. He wished me a very happy birthday and showered me with blessings. I could not have asked for anything else.

Trippin' with Caio (2014-2015)

Caio and I went all over the place in the last year and the beginning of this year - we started with Hyderabad and Jaipur, then Kuala Lumpur, Malacca, Krabi and back to Bangkok, then Annecy, then Rome, Vienna, Prague and Istanbul. We even stayed for a month in Delhi!

Thanks for making my life so beautiful, Caio. I cannot tell you how much you mean to me.

A contrast

Over the new year's, Caio's mother and the two of us were in Budapest, along with my dear friend Steven and his partner, Shrey. We were on a tram, when a couple of tram controllers got a bit nasty, and landed up becoming abusive - to a point of being racist and homophobic. I seldom get as angry as I did that day - it was painful, to say the least, but at the same time, it put me in touch with the reality in Budapest, beyond my amazing bubble that I live in - despite the laws and the constitution and the ECHR.

In a few days, Caio, his mother and I traveled to Istanbul, and one day, at the Grand Bazaar, right after we had finished shopping at a particular store, and we were about to leave, the shopkeeper called me back and said, "My friend, the two of you make a very nice couple - I understood - you look very good together". This made my day - in a country with a great deal of repression from the government's end, this was the most beautiful thing that happened to me.

When I told Caio about this, he gave a gleeful smile, and then said, "and this made you really happy, no?" And suddenly, it struck me - it did. I come from a country where it is all right to be gay, but not practice anything gay. If I have to get partnered officially with my partner, I have to run from country to country looking for how much paperwork they require. I told Caio as much, and when telling him, I started crying - for it is only us who live in a world where we are handcuffed, who know how it is.

Mamma Mia

I have had three (including my present) wonderful partners till date. The first two relationships have made me into the person that I am today. While I was with them, I always took into account the fact that they are in the closet with their family, and that I would probably never be introduced to their family. I felt it incredibly important for them to know what it is like to be accepted in a family. THus, all of them have met my parents and my extended family, not as friends, but as my partners. Till date, I still consider my former partners to be a part of my family and hold them in great affection.

Caio's mother is the first parent of a partner who I met. We not only met, we stayed with each other, traveled with each other, gossiped about her son, shared complaints and compliments - and all through Portuguese!

That is when I realised how wonderful it is to have acceptance and love from your partner's parent. It is not about validation, it is not about social bonding - it is about family. I love having a family which is supportive - and finally, I think, I have landed up in a relationship where I can proudly say I have family on both sides.

Leaving somethings behind

It has been a while since I last wrote anything here. Ever since my mother passed away, so much happened that it became impossible to take a few minutes off for myself.

Most people around me already know of what had been going on, but here goes.

The period 2013-2014 was pretty weird, but not without its triumphs. There were a phenomenal number of deaths right after my mother’s demise in October, 2013. Overall, we lost about a dozen near and dear ones. After a point, if we got the news that someone had passed away, it was like, so, who’s next?

Dad also came down with a second bout of cancer. Most of you already know about how he had cancer of the larynx, for which he lost his voice, and currently has to use an artificial voice box internally installed. However,  despite the initial operation and radiation therapy, he could not start speaking. At first we all thought it was his obstinacy – he wanted a specific device to talk through – and after a point, I gave in, took him to Mumbai and it turned out that there was an obstruction, which stopped him from actually being able to speak.

It turned out to be another bout of cancer – but luckily, it had been diagnosed in the very first stage. For the first time since he was diagnosed initially, he was with a doctor (or a full bunch of them) who he actually trusted, and who did not want him to undergo any procedure in any hospital they were associated with. Within a few weeks we were in Delhi at the BLK hospital for the cyber-knife procedure. It was a five-day procedure, and in another week, Dad was able to talk. We were all overjoyed and incredibly relieved.

In all this, two people played an epic role in supporting me – my sister and my partner.  Dyuti and Caio were absolutely fantastic throughout everything. Beyond them, my cousins and friends were literally formed in a  circle around us – to protect us from everything. Putu, Neha, Boo, Pitush, Kutia, Sonel, Bunty, Hapu, Mummum, Vahista, Rahul, Shaheb, Animitra, Arnie, Abhik, Koeli, Sidharth, Meeta , my entire college gang and many, many others who I might be accidentally leaving out were fantastic. In case any of you ever read this – thanks for being our, and especially mine, rock. Words fail me, but I appreciate each and everyone of you and your presence in my life.

Thank you.

To you, my Mater

After my last post, we wound up our activities in Lisbon, and I moved back to Budapest and Caio to Geneva.
It was quite lovely to be back in Budapest - to be back home with Carse, and to move into a new apartment. Also, as it turned out, my comprehensive was postponed to the 30th of September, given the circumstances of my father's ill-health.
In a month's time, I got prepared for my comprehensive, and frankly speaking, had it not been for the immense support of my SJD mates, especially Thiago, Zsuzsi and Max, I don't think I would have made it.
And then the exam happened - and I got through - just barely - but I did it.
It was a moment of intense relief rather than triumph. The huge burden of finding funding for the next two years had been lifted off my shoulders. It was time to celebrate.
The next day, I skyped with mom and gave her the good news. I also told her that I would be off for a week to Geneva to spend some time with Caio.
Thus, off I went to Geneva on the following Thursday. Caio had found a WONDERFUL little apartment on this lovely street, and had filled it with love and delicious food even before I had arrived.
It was all too good to be true - everything was going perfectly. It was merely the calm between storms - like being in the eye of a cyclone. The very next day, my mother was suddenly taken ill, and she passed away in Calcutta, at the age of 61. When my sister broke the news to me, I felt that the ground beneath my feet had given way. I was at a Mcdonald's, trying to use the internet - I had run out of credit on my phone. As I got the news over the voip call, Caio was coming towards me with a coffee and an ice cream. I did not have to tell him - he knew by my face, and was stunned by the news. It was drizzling outside, and I ran outside just to get some semblance of sanity. The next few hours were spent at the airport trying to get a ticket to India. Luckily, my friend Aroop managed to procure the right tickets for me for the next morning. Caio could not come because of visa issues - I don't think I have ever seen him sadder than to let me go alone.
Thus, in less than 12 hours, I was on a flight to India. What went through my mind cannot be described - I had spoken to her but a couple of days before, over Skype, and everything was fine. How could everything have changed so suddenly?
Yet, it had. I reached Delhi in the night, and Mantosh was there to pick me up. That night was one of the most unrestful ever. The next day, Mantosh dropped me to the airport - I felt so alone. The next couple of hours to Kolkata was stressful, but I tried to catch a bit of sleep. It was going to be a long day.
When I reached Kolkata, I was really glad to see my friend Vahista there to pick me up. A relatively sane person on a relatively insane day was exactly what I needed. I was really concerned about my sister - she had been handling everything single-handedly since my father's illness. Thus, instead of going home, to be greeted by a million people I went straight to the mortuary where my sister was. There, I saw my mother's body, in the hearse car, lying as if she were alive, but asleep, looking serene. I finally felt a bit of relief - her aches and pains were no more. No more would she complain about her arthritis, no more would she want a road-roller to run her over. No more would she chat with us about international politics, nor feed us when we wanted, nor let us lie in her lap when we needed to cry. No more would she want to share a cup of midnight coffee. No more would she steal all the chocolates in the fridge and look all innocent. No more would she defend her dogs every time they destroyed some piece of furniture. No more would she Skype with me, laugh with me, cry with me, crack jokes, leave me links to funny information.
My sister and I cremated her body together. All our rituals then on were carried out with us side by side.
The next few days passed in a blur. Before we knew it, the Shradh (last rites) were over, and it was time for us to end the mourning.
Instead of having a typical ending-the mourning lunch, we decided to celebrate my mother's life through a lovely dinner by the lake at Calcutta Rowing Club, with a slide show of some select moments from her past. While I cannot re-cast the emotions I felt while making it, or watching it, here are some pictures from it:

The Last Year That Has Been

All right - it has definitely been a while since I got down to writing a post. Unfortunately, while the good intentions remained, the flesh was easily distracted. Here is a month-by-month lowdown of what has been going on since my last post:

May - June 2012
The last two fully working months at SAATHII - it was awesome, wonderful and filled with sadness. Letting go of my extended family isn't easy. Moreover, I was also working with my friend Vahista, trying to straighten out our training modules for Project Pehchan, an amazing project, spearheaded by India HIV AIDS Alliance, and being carried out in Eastern India by SAATHII.

Working with Vahista was quite an eye-opener. I was submitted to intense editing, intense emotions and intense hilarity! All that while downing copious quantities of alcohol. Poor Yezdi (Vahista's husband) - am sure he was quite surprised when he saw the alcohol cupboard had been emptied out.

I went to Delhi for the visa interview - and for the first time since we broke up, Mantosh and I met up. It was lovely. I also met his current - really sweet, disarmingly sweet. That was something that I should have done previously - but everything happens at a time for a reason.

While all that was going on, so was my preparations for my journey back to Budapest. Also, Caio was about to come the next month, and we had a full month of traveling and saying goodbyes ahead of us.

July - August 2012

St. Francis (Goa)

July was the month when I actually managed to do something that I had thought would never be possible - getting all my pending leaves! I had a lot of running around to do - partly because of the passport/visa issues and partly because of packing. However, in all this, the first half of the month was spent traveling with Caio. We met at the New Delhi Airport right after he landed from Budapest, and off we went to Mumbai. In a day or so, we went to Goa from there and chilled like never before. Unbelievable, but Caio had been to Goa before - and this was my first ever! From there we went to Kerala - the tea estates of Munnar, elephant rides, boat rides on the backwaters. On the 14th of July, we flew back to Kolkata - because 15th of July is Mum's birthday.

Mother Mary (in the Indian imagination)

The next few days flew by pretty fast. I had to keep commitments right, left and centre. Caio was quite a love with all the running around (what with his generally sociopathic nature :D). The last day in Kolkata was spent eating out with my cousins Putu and Neha, and after a marvellous repast, we sped off to catch the Rajdhani to Delhi. Lots of goodbyes and lots of tears!

Delhi was fantastic - staying at Kajori's place, it brought back some lovely memories, and at the very least, I fell in love all over again with Uncle, Aunty, and Julius (the four-legged, rather lovely chappie who believes he can show me a thing or two about Delhi). While there, I managed to meet up with Mantosh, Saptarshi, Saptarshi's new boyfriend (or not so new any more). And in a few days, we were out of there too. Caio left a day before for Budapest, and I had one final dinner with Kajori, Uncle, Aunty and Mantosh, and I was out the following day.

In Munnar

Reaching Budapest, I discovered that Caio was down with a horrid viral fever - caught, of all the places, after all our travels, from a bugger next to him on the flight! Luckily, my friends who we were staying with -Peter and Richard- were planning to be away for the weekend (and more). A funny thing happened - Caio was as weak as a cat, and I had no idea what type of fever he had - so I made him a nice little pasta with a not-so-spicy sauce (or so I thought). Needless to say, it came up faster than it went down.

In Aleppy

Over the next few days, I was checking out apartments, and caring for Caio, and cooking pash. Once Peter and Richard came back (and luckily Caio was up and about by now), we moved out, into our own place. In the mean time, I also managed to meet up with many of my old friends. It felt I was finally back home.




 
 
September-October 2012 

Rousseau Island

It was time for Caio to go to Geneva - and for me to go to Dubrovnik, Croatia. That was one heck of a conference - all the new SJD scholars, one old one, and one professor - off we went! It was quite a vacation of a conference - truly, I cannot complain. We had sessions from 10 am to 1 pm and then from 5 pm to 7 pm! The rest of our time was spent eating and soaking in the Adriatic. The only thing that did not go right was that my camera disappeared. Once I got back, though, my classes started in right earnest. I have possibly the best educational support system one could ever ask for - a brilliant supervisor, a brilliant HoD and a boyfriend who plies me with scotch to get over my existential crises. Little did I know that it had just started!

November-December 2012

Well, it was time for me to turn 29, and also time I recreated a bit of Bollywood in my tiny apartment on Terez Korut for Diwali. My birthday was filled with immense amounts of angst (for a variety of reasons), and new pictures from a new camera (Caio!!). In the mean time, a little trip to Geneva had also been planned out for me, and our holidays in Italy (nothing much - just Milan, Parma and Florence) for December. Also, thanks to a lovely conference, I couchsurfed for the first time, that too in Vienna! My host for two days was one of the most amiable people I have ever met. I also met Jasbir Puar during that, and despite earnest looks from various friends and colleagues, we discussed scotch (as opposed to homonationalism and pinkwashing).

Uma at the Diwali Party

While the Diwali party started out with complaints of "if you don't put the tea-lights out (in the courtyard) we shall call the police (like SERIOUSLY!!), it was an immense success - with over 40 people crammed into my little studio, with a Kyrgyzstani friend showing Bollywood dance moves, with champagne corks flying all over the place, it was quite lovely! One thing is for sure - all my hard work, and my lovely friend Uma's spontaneity paid off in bundles!

Random dinner with SJD colleagues (and while molesting Thiago)

December - what a month. Get-together after get-together, and I was all geared up for Italy too. The night before I was supposed to leave, I got pretty wasted - and lo and behold, I woke up the next day exactly 5 minutes after my flight had departed. Caio was furious to say the least. However, thank GOD for Easyjet! I was in Geneva the following day, and everything went well hence forth.

Radical church in Parma

Italy was absolutely marvellous - I think I fell in love with Florence more than any other place I had seen in Europe (till then). What was absolutely hilarious for me was that every souvenir shop was being run by Bangladeshis.


January - February 2013
What an amazing start to a new year - the party on the eve was fantastic! It was at Thiago's place, and Caio was in Budapest too! We went to Vorosmarty Ter for fireworks

The awesome Xmas party at Odhran's (and that is Zoli)

- frankly, had the crowd not been so brilliant, we would have been disappointed. I have seen more fireworks at a Punjabi wedding in India. The fun part that evening was getting back home - Caio and I literally waltzed our way down Kiraly Utca all the way to the Korut.

Random drunkenness in Budapest

Studies started off with a bang as well. Surprisingly, most of the classes that I did during my first year concentrated on Political Science - and boy, was I in for a shock. They were bloody demanding, to say the least, but the best part about them was the different streams' students who were there. Each class was brilliant, each presentation something new and fresh (I guess once THEY get to the PhD level, they will be as stale as can be, but not yet!). I must say this though - I seldom felt so overwhelmed as I did at this point.

March - April 2013

Caio in Geneve :)

Almost as bad as February, but the best part was that Caio was more frequently in town than ever! He basically made Budapest his base, and was flying out every week for his classes in Geneva - thank GOD for Wizzair!

May - June 2013
 Oh boy - the least said the better. I had been preparing for my comprehensive exam, and guess what? I have a retake scheduled. It was one of the WORST scenarios I have ever faced. The problem is though that there was no REASON for it to go so poorly! Of course, given the fact that I hated the US jurisdiction as a part of my exam, I felt I could swim by with that portion going poorly. However, I kept on digging my own grave, and fell in it too. Perhaps the professors felt a little sorry for me, because Prof. Uitz pulled me out herself.

What was supposed to be a reward for the comprehensive turned into more of a recuperation holiday to Paris - and I must say - it was FANTASTIC! Caio and I kissed in front of the Eiffel! It was magnificent. I know it might sound corny, but I really cannot help it.

After the trip, my mock comps went decently enough, but were not enough up to the mark for me to be able to do the final comprehensive retake before the summer break. Thus it got rescheduled post-summer, which gave me some time to a) write my first chapter for the thesis, b) write my first chapter for a book (which, incidentally, got published in the mean time) and c) write a paper for a conference in Lisbon.

So, off I went to Lisbon for the summer! Caio was already here - right after I arrived, he mentioned to me that the very next day, we were leaving for Algarve, in the South of Portugal, for there was a conference he wanted to attend. Thus, off we went again!

Dipping my ankles in the Atlantic

Getting back from there to Lisbon, we settled into the new apartment, and by and large, I started getting quite used to the city. In a few days, I had my big conference (and yes, I managed to get funding as well!). However, the day after the conference, I called up home, to be told that Dad was being rushed to the hospital because he was having massive breathing difficulties - turned out it was cancer of the larynx.

Needless to say, given the fact that I am not exactly a non-paranoid person, my life went into a bit of a whirlwind. With finances, etc. to be considered, I just sent home whatever I could, and postponed my going there for a while (once I got to know it wouldn't be fatal). I love my Dad - he might have been an ass at times, as I have too, but he is my Dad, and there is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give to see him not suffer. However, all I could give at that time was money.

What really took me aback and also made me feel that my love must have created some difference in people's lives is when I saw the way my friends stood by my parents. Even Mantosh left everything and flew down from Delhi to be with Mum and Dad, and helped them through the entire initial process. Given the fact that my sister was absolutely alone, it made a huge difference.

July-August 2013
It was Mum's and Dyuti's birthdays in July - unfortunately, in the given circumstances, celebrations were out of the question. But one wonderful thing happened in Lisbon - Caio's Mum came (and is still here as I write this). Her name is Immaculada, and she is wonderful! She is one of the most spirited people I have ever met, and I hope nothing ever pulls her down. She reminds me immensely of my Mum from 10 years back. Bright, enthusiastic and immensely talented.

In the mean time, it is almost time for me to return to Budapest and face the firing squad (aka comprehensive). Studies have been going on, but they took a bit of a back seat due to Dad's cancer. However, at least they are back on track.

So, to summarise :
- Dipping my ankle in the Adriatic - Check
- Dipping my ankle in the Atlantic - Check
- Seeing the Mont Blanc - Check
- Seeing the statue of David - Check
- Getting lost in the streets of Italy - Check
- Kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower - Check
- Going to the Louvre - Check
- Seeing the Mona Lisa - Check
- Seeing the Venus de Milo - Check
- Seeing the Nike of Samothrace - Check
- Seeing the Notre Dame - Check
- Singing Bollywood songs in Paris, Milan, Parma, Florence and Lisbon - Check

Well, it seems like that is quite a few things ticked off my bucket-list of things to do in my life before I die. Sorry for not going into more details, but things would not have been the same without visits from Sujaan, Roshni, Anwesha, Iulia, Yitang, Yash and various other people, who lit up my world and made it a little warmer with their love and affection!

Get outta my bed already!

All right, before anyone goes into anything Freudian, let me send out a caveat- I KNOW! So, while Caio was around, there were times when I felt that it was time I carved out some autonomy in my parental home (where I stay).
For those who have not been across, the room I stay in has a door leading into it from a stairwell- which, unfortunately, is used by my father as his main course of thoroughfare to the upstairs hall where he has his shrine.
Naturally, there have been various accidents where he has walked in on my ex and me making out, (after which he very kindly decided to yell up the stairs to announce his arrival).
When Caio came to stay with me last month, he was, to say the least, a little shocked. To have my dad walking in and out of my room (and my sister, and the maid) was, to say the least, annoying- especially in the afterglow of 'things'.
However, the month passed by- not without certain strains regarding umbilical cords and personal autonomy- and Caio left- not without making me see things in a slightly different way. That too, it wasn't what he said, but how I viewed things - from being single to being a couple (again) after having a degree of independence where I used to lock my room and refuse anyone from barging in.
The other night, I realised how much my personal emotional autonomy is mortaged with my parents- part of it is because I live in their house. Part of it is because I gave it up willingly. For instance, I have the emotional presence of a parent in bed with me at home- even if I am with someone! The best example (or the scariest) was when I had a dream that I was in bed with this really cute guy, and I was snoozing right after, you know, doing the dirty. I heard my dad's voice, and told the other guy, hey, put some clothes on- I think my dad is about to come into my room. So we both got out of bed- and instead of putting any clothes on, we embraced each other, with our eyes closed- with me facing the bed. When I opened my eyes, lo! there was my father sleeping on my bed!
Is it just my being afraid that yet again my dad shall walk in on Caio and I? Or does it go in deeper? Am I reading into something which might just be an imaging of my apprehensions? Or is it something rooted in my psyche with my soul screaming out for my own space? I guess only time will tell..or will you?

Heartbeat

Dear Heart,
How are you? Are you feeling bruised and battered? Or is it a case of old wounds being reopened? Or is it just your pride?
Whatever it is, you felt broken for a second time- hurt and seething in anger- you felt betrayed and stabbed and stomped. You became a victim of another person's guilt.
You knew this was inevitable but never wanted to believe that this could come to pass. Your faith in a person has been shaken- but what about the faith in yourself?
Reach out, my love, reach out towards love- for there is someone waiting to heal you- to love you- to fill your cracks and wounds with a salve more beautiful and soothing than anything else you have ever had.
Love yourself, heart- stop being a victim, and come out victorious! You have survived, and not stopped beating for a moment. You felt numbed with pain, but did not forget to smile. You felt sad for yourself, but happy for someone else.
You still have many miles to go, don't you? Not because you must, but because you shall.

I'm on the floor
counting one minute more
Noone to break the silence

Staring into the night
all alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
Your breaking my heart again

Here in my bed
counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows

Coming home late at night
drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
for breaking my heart
breaking my heart again...(MLTR)

Love,
Your Soul
(image courtesy free-extras.com)

Return home, or is it?

I have not written anything since last December. Much has happened in my life since that time. My relationship fell apart- remember the string of beads? We officially called it off on the 13th of February this year. I still remember the time between 1st of December and the 13th of February. The pain, the strength, the suffering of both of us was something I had not imagined.

Perhaps it was the best thing that could have happened to us. I think the one thing that we have and always had is our friendship. It is an extremely strong bond, and something that will last through the visicitudes of life.

I am back from Hungary- not for good, I hope. The experience was, in short, bloody brilliant! From meeting the Dalai Lama to being taught by people who changed the history of the world, to making friends for life, I did everything!

The job hunt has started already. Going back to Calcutta made me realise one thing- if there is something I don't want, it is to start off my career in Calcutta. I need to be in India for a while. However, I have left a lot behind in Hungary, emotionally speaking- I hope I can go back to claim it.

Wish me luck, for I need it...

It Broke...

Someone had given me a string of beads- something that I wore on my wrist everyday, for the last two years at least!
Suddenly, a week or so before I left for Budapest, it broke. In the whirlwind that ensued, I did not get time to rethread it, but nevertheless, I carried it close with me. It travelled with me all the way to Hungary.
One day, I saw that the beads were coming apart- I realised that it was time I put everything aside, and restring the beads. I did so- but only to realise that it wasn't as tightly and strongly strung as before. I figured out that, for the time-being, I just need to let it be the way it is.
When I go back home, I shall try and get it strengthened- I shall have a leather thong reinforcing the back, and new thread to run through the entirety. It will be as strong as before, if not stronger- at least, I am not going to give up without trying. After all if it has been with you for so long, and if it is so dear to you, its worth it, isn't it?

Yet more thoughts....

I feel loved, empowered. I have friends. Friends who care about the strength of my coffee, friends who care whether my blanket has slipped off, friends who care to shout at me if I don't study- friends who stood by me when I felt utterly helpless.

Can I thank them enough? Would it be an insult to them? Could it create a wall between us- and our friendship? Just to let them know- they are always there in my thoughts and prayers...

Fleeting thoughts...

I want to run away
I want to go where its safe
I want to close my horizon
I want to rise within myself
I want to go and lie in a corner
I want the warmth of my street, my home
I want to touch everything that is familiar
I want to rid myself of this quaking
I want to physically limit myself
I want to expand emotionally
I want my mother, my father
I want to wake up to the barks of my dogs
I want to go home

For the past few days, I have been pretty unsettled. I am giving up my apartment which was home for me for the past few weeks, and have already (temporarily) moved in with friends. I cannot stay in my apartment any longer. For various reasons. I cite only the financial ones.

This Christmas, I think I shall be away from my family. My first Christmas and New Year's away. I am not even with my lover. Granted- there are many others here facing the same situation. I am not complaining. It is just that I miss my parents.

Recently, there have been demises amongst near and dear ones. It has made me realise how mortal my parents are. Larger than life personalities often make you forget that they are made from flesh and blood. I don't want to be away in case something fatal should befall them. I want to be in a place where I can reach them within a few hours.

I needed to take this opportunity- to come abroad for further studies- and I am not doing all that badly. But what I constantly keep on asking myself is- is it worth it?
Sometimes I feel like a selfish prick. Being away when they possibly most need me. I could have been home, hunting around for a job of my liking, looking after my parents, and possibly blamed myself for the rest of my life for not taking this opportunity up- but I would have been happy in my own, limited way. Ever-expanding horizons want to make you run. But sometimes, it is necessary to stop.

God, grant me the strength to hang on till the end of this course- and grant my family and lover the boon of health. I need to be back with them. I need to be there for them, like they have been for me.

Pujas in Hungary

It has been a while since I last blogged. In the mean time, I have covered my first module, and am almost through with my second module. The pressure of the course has not given me much time to think. However, I have had to take some time off in order to sort out some messes that were happening with my flat-mate.
It is important to understand each other when you come from two vividly different cultures. Why abroad? Take India as an example- East barely understands the West, and the North and South seldom meet. However, it takes time- especially when you are put into a situation where you have to deal with each other- at least the minimal requirements need to be met.
Now that all that is sorted, for the time being, I have had time to dwell on my being away from home. Do I miss home? No. Do I miss the people? Yes. Despite whatever misunderstandings I have with my dad, I miss him. I miss mom too, but at least we manage to speak a fair amount. On the other hand, one person who I used to speak to a lot at home, but can barely ever now, is my sister.
I miss my dogs as well. I miss cuddling the puppies, cribbing about feeding them and taking them out.
Perhaps all this has become more vivid for me for its the Pujas back in Kolkata right now.My friends, my family- all of them make my festivities come alive, no matter what. Whether it is just a five-rupee road-side chat, or a 5000-rupee dinner at the Taj, it doesn't make much difference- the fun and the bonding is not here, somehow. Perhaps it is because of the cultural differences, or perhaps it is because of the lack of familiarity.
I have some really amazing friends here- they are really nice, and have made me feel as comfortable as I could ever be- considering the fact that I am away from my partner and my family.
The only problem that I find is that I don't seem to have any commonality with them. I cannot bond with them as I would like to. Perhaps it is a little early in the day to decide, but I definitely hope it improves.

Hung(a)ry

So much has gone by in the last two months that it is difficult to coherently recall everything. Water's flown under the bridge- and the rivers changed almost on a daily basis. From the Ganges to the Damodar, and finally to the Danube.
I am in Hungary, as I write this. Budapest, to be precise. Yes, the visa finally came through. I reached Mumbai, and met up with my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law, my nephew, and a whole lot of friends! It was wonderful! I felt I would really miss everything once I had left the country. It hadn't yet sunk in.
Here I am- 6 days old in the Paris of the East. And I still don't feel it. It is not as if I don't miss everyone and everything. It is overridden by the anticipation of a future- of new adventure awaiting me around every new corner. About being ever so close to Mantosh.
My first leap out of home- and I am not just outside the country, but on a different continent altogether.
Since I arrived, I have been connecting with people. My friend Oliver, his parter Istvan, and their dog, Gustave, have adopted me. Had it not been for their affection and support, perhaps, I would have behaved like a lot of other people- jittering in their intentions, and so on! However, I think I have made a few great friends already!
I am still waiting to get my apartment. Hopefully, it shall be soon. I am sure it wont be anything better than a hovel, but it shall be mine!
The Central European University greeted us with a party of champagne and caviare. Somehow, that did give me the feeling that we were about to be ground into fine caviar-like paste, and canned- and this was merely the taste of the future!
The people at the institute are extremely helpful. I would personally recommend the institute to anyone interested in studying certain disciplines. If you need any help, let me know!
The first day that I was here, I went off with Oliver to check out my new institute, the basilica next to it, and his workplace next to the basilica!
Somehow, I had not expected Budapest to be SO beautiful. Its been a breathtaking experience. I just hope this high continues, and helps me drive through and thrive.
Enough for now- I need to read up for tomorrow, and its a long gruelling day ahead!

Orissan Rhapsody

My original stay here was supposed to be for 3 days- and then a trip back. It was Ritu’s birthday on the 1st. Instead, now, I am going back on the 10th- a day before Mantosh’s arrival to Kolkata. When I came here, I carried with me The Bancroft Strategy and little else. Luckily Antz came down here, and I went across to her place to meet her. There, I procured two books (borrowed feathers) which are not available in Bhubaneshwar as far as the eye can see- Wodehouse’s Empress of Blandings, and another of Jeeves’ inimitable adventures with his sidekick Bertie (so I’d like to think).
Never did I think that re-reading about that exquisite porcine creature called the Empress of Blandings would give me so much pleasure. It filled out the little voids that I was feeling everyday- of going back to my hotel room and surfing through a multitude of Oriya channels. The fifty-seven-thousand-odd calories that a pig is supposed to consume consumed me. That is what happens in a city like Bhubaneshwar- no Baristas, no malls, searing heat, and little else.
Work has been a bitch for a while now. For reasons best known to the powers-that-be, I am going through one of the most trying periods of my work tenure- which, as it happens, is about to end in less than a month now. I shall be off to Budapest for my LLM in August (for the uninitiated that happens to be the capital of Hungary) and I need time to wrap up my personal stuff as well.
Staying away from the family for such an extended period of time has given me a newfound sense of longing for the homefront. I am dreading going back home to the yelping dogs, complaining mother, and passive smoking but even if you pay me a gazillion bucks, it is not going to stop me from going back to the wagging tails, the warm hugs, and dad’s wisecracks.
One thing that has helped in my surviving the boredom and borderline depression is my Little Calcutta- Oxford Bookstores. The familiar red wallpaper, the green bookshelves, the Cha Bar, the fancy kettles, and, above all, the books! If this city is starved of anything, its books, by which I don’t mean studybooks. The Lord above knows how many stores there are here to aid the IITJEE training centres and so on- but hardly any store which sells good books. This time round, twice, I landed up buying Alexander McCall Smith, instead of (the first time) Shashi Tharoor, and (the second time) Marquez. Mma Ramotswe, with her infinite good sense has never been a let-down. She gives you a sense of what is right and wrong in a way which only a Botswanian could.
It reminds me of an erstwhile India- where your wealth was judged by the number of fat cows you had (and that does NOT refer to the number of well-fed women in your harem), where you ran a car till it died of old age, where typewriters used to click-clack down office corridors instead of the tick-tick of computer keypads. No, I don’t miss using typewriters. I miss that pace. Who would have ever thought that Calcutta would actually start moving faster than mere Ambassador Cars?
Yet, despite all that, the chat sessions over tea and coffee (the number of CCDs and Baristas more or less account for the one trait of the bygone eras which has stuck around) continue. People actually spend a fair amount of dough over a cuppa outside their homes. I was struck by a statement by one of my colleagues recently at a hotel in Bolangir. She was surprised that a cup of (really nice) coffee there could cost as much as 6 rupees! That was what made me feel- our capacity to spend 60-70 bucks over a passing cup of caffeine without batting an eyelid is, despite most comparisons, somewhat of a progress.

Enough ramblings. This is what the Orissan heat does to you. Enjoy!

PS- My ticket for the 9th night train is done..I shall be back to the City of Joy on the 10th and Mantosh is going to be there on the 11th.. YAAAAAAY!

Hope For The Best Curry

Servants have always been a problem in my home. For some reason, we don't seem to get a permanent household staff EVER! If they are honest, they don't work, if they work, they thieve, if they thieve, they break down one fine day, confess and leave! Thus, our kitchen sees a variety of cooks, but more often than not, amongst the four of us, it sees Mum the most.

This lady ABHORS going into the kitchen. Heat-sensitive that she is, she ends up letting off a lot of steam (apparently passed on by the pressure cooker)on us, and we end up looking like a lot of steamed lobsters- slightly overdone!

However, since generally my mother happens to be one of those extremely easy-going, happy-go-lucky people, she ends up in the kitchen, cooking for her (relatively) ungrateful family- ungrateful because, more often than not, I eat out, my father doesn't eat, and my sister is not even here!

These days, she has lost patience with proportions. What she does is throw together a few things, and pray to Lokenath Baba to make it come out just right- it might seem hard to understand, but every time she has done this, the dish has been delectable! This is what she calls her Hope-for-the-best Curry. Throw everything together and just hope for the best.

Her recipe goes something like this:

Fish/Chicken/Mutton/Egg/Veggies (SOMETHING!!)
Salt/Sugar/Soya Sauce (Yes, she is a lady who believes in the power of Soya)
Oil/Oil
Onion/Garlic/Ginger or Onion AND Garlic AND Ginger
Water (lots of it)
7up Lemon/Limca (for her to sip on while she happily martyrs herself for her family)
Turmeric, Cumin, Coriander, Chilli powders (preferably combinations-if you are feeling out of sorts go green and if you are feeling naughty, go red)
Hope (oodles of it)
Anything else that comes at hand

Fry what needs to be fried, and add the rest of the things with the water. Bring to a boil and let it simmer after that for 15 minutes. For chicken or mutton, its best to use the pressure cooker (this I mean). After that leave everything in the hands of God, and serve with lots of love.

Trust me- it cannot go wrong. At least, in this lady's case, she stands to be THE case in point, and her hope has never let her down- or us.

Love her for that!

When I held you in my arms

This is dedicated to all the friends who have come into my life, and for all the people to whom I had or have been friends.... its what I felt for them, and perhaps, what they felt for me, when we parted ways... don't judge it by its literary value, but by its emotion...

I held you tight when you cried,
Your sobbing head on my chest.
I stayed awake watching you sleep
just so I could be sure you rest.
I held your hand when you decided
against your best judgment.
I saw you piecing together fragments
of your life just for the semblance of sanity.
Yet when it came to the point of holding on
the part when two voices become one,
there was none- a silence devastating
hollowing, a phantasma from the past.
No present, no future.
Did we come together for a reason?
Did we love because we wanted to?
Did we deserve what we got in the end?
For the end justifies the journey, they say.
Does it hold true for us?
If so, why does it hurt?
Why does the scar burn, like an open wound?
Why does it feel like it was yesterday
that we parted ways?
Is it so that you can come back and soothe?
No longer shall I brood,
for it is a new 'we' now.
You came, and we became.
But its the past, and I need to let go now,
for the past 'we' is no longer there
and the present 'we' needs space to grow...

For it's worth it

Why is it that after you come out, it seems as if you have just given yourself the license to kill- or in this case, just do what the heck you want? Running roughshod over a person just because the person is in the closet is not the reason why you came out in the first place.

When we come out, we often forget about the pain and angst we went through while we were in the closet. We forget that this so-called freedom came at a great price, and because of that, we end up being judgemental about the matter when it comes to people who still haven’t negotiated that price.

Let’s take a case study- me, for instance. I cannot even remember the circumstances because of which I came out. What I do remember is that for the first couple of years, I was defensive about my sexuality- if you can’t take me the way I am, to hell with you and your brethren!

By and large, age took over, problems took over. I started realising that the need of the hour wasn’t to be defensive but to be acceptant of people around me. Everyone cannot be expected to be the same. My parents weren’t half as cool with my coming out then as they are now. Today, my parents actually accept my partner as a part of the family (and so do my dogs). However, it took a lot of bridge-building to get there.

My partner has been extremely supportive throughout- a little history for the uninitiated- Mantosh and I met in 2007 at the Rainbow Awards for the Siddhartha Gautam Film Festival. He was and is in the closet as far as his family is concerned. I am not. I am nothing more than a name for his family. But I am his life. That makes a difference to my life- and to our life. My accepting this clause took some time. I felt that by coming out, I had given myself the right to be in an out-and-about relationship, with acceptance from his family as well, just like my family had.

I used to feel hurt on some level- but what made my hurt disappear was when I realised what he goes through, trying to balance the home-front and the love-front. I am as tempestuous as ever, but I try and reason out my anger nowadays. I remember the hard times I gave him- the times when I wanted him to say something intimate, and he could not. There were times when he went and sat on the roof of his house, in a chilly Bokaro winter or a mosquito-infested summer, just so that I could carry out my tirades. I was taking my angst out in the comfort of my own room, on the softness of my bed.

Such reasons have often destroyed the rosiest of relationships. Yet, somewhere, it strengthened ours. It watered our tree of love to an extent where once, an immense storm blew, and not even a leaf blew away.

It takes a lot to make a relationship work out. Let us be a little easy on ourselves...and at the same time, let us not give up so easily...for it’s worth it.

Morning this day

Walking in the morning sun
A cool breeze wafting by
Dogs running about
Grazing by you as they playfully scoot around

The green of the leaves
Swaying gently in the wind
The sound of the trees whispering in my mind
The birds chirping and chattering

The swirl in my coffee cup
The steam rising
The phone screensaver
With my lover's picture

The smile on mom's face
The cheese omelette
With diced tomatoes and onions
With an ice cream sandesh to wrap it up

Life in 2010

It has been a good three months since I last blogged. So much has happened in the first quarter of this year that it has been absolutely impossible to clear my mind's cobwebs and sit down to write some sense for you guys out there.

This year brought about a few revelations for me-
a) that I am capable of doing things which I never thought I could
b) that the people I work with are selfless enough to think of money as a secondary factor
c) that the people I work with have become, in more than just a manner of speaking, extended family.
d) that the unknown areas that I am stepping into are making me a stronger person
e) that I am over and done with people who are snobs without reason
f) that it is impossible to find as much support as I have from my friends and my family- including my love...

My work scope has expanded immensely. From being a part-time consultant for SAATHII I have become a Service and Advocacy Coordinator for two states. At this time of the year, both the states, Orissa and West Bengal, happen to become boiling pots- especially Orissa. I don't know how I am going to manage the heat, but someone up there has some plans for me....evidently.

Around this time, last year, I wasn't sure whether I was coming or going. I was upset at myself for trying out for an MBA- for chasing after money wearing Barkat Ali suits are not what I ever thought I was meant for. Yet for some reason it seemed to be the only way- and then I got called for the final round in TISS- Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai- for MSW. That was the only silver lining in my life at that time. I had realised by then that I would be much happier doing what I was best at- advocacy, capacity building, etc.

However, TISS fell through- but at the same time, it opened up other doors for me. Rohit, a friend of mine, who went through the same rigmarole with TISS as me, works with SAATHII as well. He, along with Pawan, an old-time acquaintance of mine, as well as the Director of SAATHII Kolkata, got in touch with me, and asked me to take on a part-time legal consultancy with the Legal Aid Unit of SAATHII- something that I could do while practising.

By and large, I got more and more involved and engrossed in the work- and soon I decided that I no longer want to run to the courts, wearing a black gown and a suit in the searing heat.

Today, I have grown a lot. I have gone beyond the inherent snobbery that I had to a snobbery of a different sort- of achievement. Emotional and intellectual achievement. Financially, I am lagging behind a lot of my friends who are practising, or perhaps working in the corporate sector, but I am happy- which is more than what I can say for a lot of people. People who need to be defensive about themselves, for they lack conviction in themselves, for they are uncomfortable in their own skin. People who need to be happy, but aren't.

This was a lesson I needed to learn- and luckily I learnt it at no cost to myself on any level. Life is not just about Prada and Gucci. Its about having the gumption to trod the fields of the country while wearing Prada and Gucci.

A short story..

Merry Christmas! Its been a very long time since I last posted something... but here is something that I wrote a while back...and there is a reason why I am posting this here, today..

" As I entered the classroom, I was filled with a kind of fear. Once again they had shuffled us around. I needed to find my footholds again. Not easy, considering the fact that I was in Class 10, and this was merely my second year in the school. I looked around, to see who looked the most amiable. My eyes lighted on someone. I don't know why, but I felt an immediate connection somewhere. Rakesh

We went onto become best friends. Rakesh had an extremely troubled home. His father was abusive, his mother constantly dazed, and he in a relationship, which seemed to be heading somewhere, but at that point of time, it was impossible to point out where. His girlfriend looked at him as the only outlet she had.

Gradually the years went by. It was time for us to finish with our schools. It was the day of the results. Rakesh and I went together to check our marks. He told me to check them for him- I was his lucky charm. Somewhere within me, I felt warm. I felt as if he had found the affection he needed from his home in me. I felt happy. I announced his scores. Not brilliant, but pretty good. I was extremely happy for him. He hugged me tightly. It felt wonderful to know that I had such a friend.

Rakesh's girlfriend, Sheena went off to Pune for further studies. They were still together, with Rakesh hoping they would even get married in the future. Rakesh decided to visit Sheena- at the same time, jeopardising his chance of getting into a fantastic college. They ate together, they slept together, they fought, they made up- everything that a normal relationship was built on. Rakesh came back- told me about all their petty arguments, and how much he missed her, and her little quirks which he loved.

One day, after his return, I emailed Sheena. Somehow I had sensed that things were just not right somewhere. I wrote to her, telling her how tough things had been for Rakesh over here, and how emotionally overwrought he had been. She wrote back, telling me that it was not working out, and that she planned to dump him on her next visit back home. She also told me not to tell him about this email.

I was shocked, to say the very least. I decided that I would do everything in my power to prepare Rakesh for the inevitable, and then show him the email. I had every confidence that this delay would be well-taken by him. Little did I know of what was to come.

I started telling him things which would, in my eyes, prepare him for the worst. I thought I had prepared him enough- then I told him about the email. He was taken back- to the extent that he went absolutely silent.

For a few nights after that, Rakesh came across to my home. In the night he would lie next to me and cry. I would hold him and comfort him, but to no avail. He became very withdrawn.

When she came down for her holidays, she called Rakesh over to her place for lunch- and broke the news. When he took it pretty decently she suspected that I had already told him about it. He denied any such thing. Inwardly, his worst nightmare was unfolding in front of his eyes. He was never the same again.

Gradually, time healed a few of Rakesh's wounds. He started going around with someone else- someone who perhaps was not the best news for him. We, too, went through a low, which was reconciled- in a way that I never thought would ever lead to anything ever coming between us again. Strange how we infer on such situations, when it is actually way beyond our control.

Yet, months later... in fact, years later... he decided to hold the suppression against me. I remember that night vividly, yet at the same time, I still can't fathom what triggered it off. Rakesh's behaviour had changed in a way- he had become more abrupt and edgy over the past month or so. I overlooked it, thinking it had everything to do with what was going on in his love life.

It was during the Durga Pujas. There were other friends around. All I remember are a lot of words being flung about, and I not being able to believe what it triggered off. Over the next few days, our common friends started taking sides, and I felt a void- the belittling of my love for him, the thrashing of my trust in him. I could not believe that this was the same person for whom I would have gladly given up my happiness to ensure his.

Its been around four years since that fateful day. Today, whenever we cross each other's paths, we look through each other, so much so that not even a cursory glance is exchanged. In spite of it, I still search within me for answers to the many questions that his sight triggers off within me. So much for the best friend I could have ever had. SO much for the affection I harboured within me for him, and will do forever."

Today, Rakesh waved at me.. a short, hesitant wave.... in the crowds at St. Paul's Cathedral. I gave a short wave back... without a smile...somehow, I felt so sad within, that I think it showed on my face. Then again, I remembered I need to be in the present, and that is when happiness flooded me. For the friends I was with, and I am with.

Hello all!

Well, time to update my audience about what's been going on in my life!

Over the last few months, my ties with a NGO called SAATHII Kolkata have grown in leaps and bounds. Currently I am on their Legal Aid Unit, as well as on their legal Referral Panel. The kind of work they do is the kind of work I always thought I would be good at, except that I never thought it would be so extremely draining, emotionally speaking. Dealing with HIV victims' past trauma can often become the subject of your larger nightmares. Sometimes you feel as if you cannot do anything for them- and that is the worst thing ever! Yesterday was one of those days- when I could not separate my emotions from their problems- to the extent that I went off on one of my walks. Even that did not help me calm down- but what did help was talking to Mantosh. Thank God!

On that note, an interesting development happened on Mantosh's end... which leads me to write on this. When people meet online, and fall in love with each other online, without meeting each other in person, does that mean that the relationship shall actually become reality beyond virtual reality? When you exchange promises of love and rejoicing, of sorrow and confessions, if its done over the net, does it actually mean that it shall extend into real life? What if the people meet, and find they can't stand each other for their quirks? What if they have lied to each other online, just to make sure they can make-believe that they are in solid relationships?

Yet, what it they have actually found their soulmates? Could it be that without meeting, over an extremely short period of time, you can actually fall for another person, and that this virtual falling is equal and equivalent to actual falling? Is it possible to tell whether a person feels warmth for you,when you have not felt him in your arms?

Perhaps, it works for some people. Often people can't distinguish between a cyber crush and love bites. Whenever this happens, it leads to a lot of virtual heartaches, which create angst which is real enough... The question that I must ask here is, is it worth it? Not knowing the person, yet knowing him, not seeing the person, yet seeing him... doesn't it take a toll on the emotional self?

Comments are invited:-))))